Let Go and Let God

Have the courage to let go of what is not right for you :)

    Hmm, tungkol saan naman kaya ang blog entry ko today? Actually kaya ako napapasulat ngayon kasi may nangyari lately na naging dahilan kung bakit parang nagkaroon na ng peace yung isip at puso ko. I was able to talk to Ms. T.G.M., and she made things clear to me, though I never really expected it to happen, but I'm glad that she did it anyway. After all, that small talk that happened between us, parang nagkaroon na ng clarity sa'kin lahat-lahat. Nawala na lahat ng confusion na matagal kong tinatago sa sarili ko. Hindi na na-trigger yung emotions ko. But even if mangyari man na magkaroon man at umabot sa point na yun, I'll wish them nothing but the best.

    The closure na matagal ko nang hinahanap, I'm glad siya yung nagbigay sa'kin non. Sa tinagal-tagal ng moving on phase ko, being able to talk to her was my final step. Acceptance stage na talaga.

    Sa title ng blog ko na ito, let go and let God, pinapaubaya ko nalang talaga yung lahat-lahat sa diyos. All I want right now is to heal completely, at para naman kay nwvm, I hope he's doing better, I always pray na mag-heal na siya from those things he don't talk about. 

    Alam mo ba Lord, 'di ba I told you dati, kapag nakita ko si nwvm for the 4th time, destiny talaga kami hahahahaha oh my God. Nissy desisyon ka ba TwT, alam kong may other plan ka Lord sa aming dalawa and it's up to you now, hindi ko na ku-kuwestiyonin pa.

Yung 1st time, August 14. 2nd time, September 20. 3rd time, October 10. Surprisingly, I saw him last May 29, ang weird lang kasi nagka-hunch ako na makikita ko siya that morning, and I saw him, wearing his blue shirt at exactly 6:21 a.m. Wow ha Nissy, detailed na detailed. Anyway, why am I telling these things here in my blog?

    Hmmm, during that moment I saw him, nag-replay sa utak ko yung There is something about you that now I can't remember, it's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender. But it's all just a mere coincidence. No meaning at all, 'di ba Lord?

    Kapag mga ganitong pagkakataon talaga na puro tungkol kay nwvm yung thoughts ko, I don't have anyone to talk to, kay Lord ko nalang nilalabas, my friends probably thought I've already moved on completely (yun yung nasabi ko sa kanila), but the truth here is, I still do love nwvm. But my last act of love for him was to accept that it was all over. To let go and to move forward because we both deserve peace and happiness. I don't have any hatred for him at all, just genuine love, Nick will always have a special place in my heart.

He was my favorite person, that turned into lesson. I don't know why I'm typing all of these right now, knowing that he won't be able to read it all. Even after 10 months of no contact, my feelings for him didn't changed at all nor faded. But as I realize, it won't do him any good, kahit ako. I'm still affected, God knows how much I tried to not cry over him, to get over from him, to be happy without him. 

How crazy na he changed my perspective in love during those months, being in a situationship is like a rollercoaster of emotions. Too many uncertainties, but I still chose to risk it all, knowing that it will hurt me so much. My happy crush during shs has turned into love. Hoping that someday, I will tell myself na okay na ako, that I'm not holding on to those memories anymore. I'm always praying for you, my nikiboi, I hope both of us will heal and will be happy. Please always protect your mental health. Paulit-ulit na heal heal heal kasi super need.

    Sa dami ng napagdaanan ko in terms of loving nwvm, hindi ko maikakaila na I learned a lot of lesson. Isa na ron ay yung kinaya ko siyang i-let go, because that is how much I love him. I chose to understand him, pinili kong piliin siya araw-araw, 18 years old nissy was full of love, and it's because she met this guy. Let's just say na I'm typing this all to my blog kasi even if nagdulot sa'kin ng matinding heartbreak yung kung ano mang nangyari saming dalawa, there's an underlying fact na he made me the happiest nung mga panahong hindi pa natatapos lahat. He was the reason why SHS nissy was super motivated everyday.

    Confusing part here is kung mababasa niyo man ang aking last blog, that girl that I was talking about, paano nangyari yun? Hindi ko na alam talaga oh my goodness.

    At dahil punong-puno na ng confusion ang naidudulot sa'kin ng love love na yan, I conlude that love can be detrimental for me, kasi I can't control what I feel, I tend to overlove, which can be too overwhelming. I hope and pray na dumating yung time na yung love na binibigay ko sa iba, sa sarili ko nalang pinupuna. 

Lord, kayo na pong bahala sa puso ko ha?

:)