My Side Of The Story

Nissy "the misunderstood girlie"

Before anything else, this will be the last blog explaining EVERYTHING about my situation these past 10 months. 

I don't exactly know where to begin. Natapos lahat ng kung ano mang connection namin nung past situationship ko nung katapusan ng August. August 26, 2023 to be exact. Past Nissy was a mess. Syempre nasanay na siya kay nwvm tapos mawawala, ilang araw ding hindi makausap, walang gana kumain. Literal na parang heartbroken talaga. Well, her mistake was she loved him way too much and loving him during that time was destroying her so much. Ngayon na binabalikan ko, oh damn naaawa ako sa sarili ko.

Matagal kong pinag-isipan na i-unfollow si nwvm sa socmeds, specifically IG and Twitter. Yung sa twitter, I think around December. Yung sa IG, April 05, miss tgm's exact birthday.

I've known tgm around December because I just knew it. Girl instincts kumbaga. I admit I always visits her account, or in layman's term, yes, I stalked her. And that's when I knew it, may something talaga.

Since alam kong may nangyayari na nga, I tried to distract myself, naghanap ako ng crush (which was a wrong move). And that's when I had a crush on this girl classmate of mine, na medyo boyish, hindi pala medyo, kasi she's not straight and during that time, my feelings were carried away, I fell for her charming looks, she was also so nice to me but she made me confused at the same time kasi bakit sa lahat ng tao, sa isang babae pa ako nagkagusto? And because of that, I made a spoken word poetry that mainly focuses on her, because I want her to know that I like her.

However, things didn't turned out very well as I've told it to my past blog. She showed her true colors, nung una, may nakita ako sa kanyang kakaiba kaya ako humanga, mahusay sa recitation, naipaglalaban yung side sa debate, matalino siya kung naka-focus lang talaga siya, ibang-iba talaga siya nung una ko siyang nakilala. Eventually, we've become friends. She even went to my house 2 times. And there's like specific na nangyari kaya ko narealize na fudge, I've fallen for her. But volleyball was always her priority, and ofcourse, finding a lover kaya laging wala sa klase, hindi masyadong natulong sa groupings. So it's like, if I'm going to like someone, I want that person to be academically inclined, not saying he/she should be smart, but just masipag lang at hindi napapabayaan ang pag-aaral. 

Fast forward to the Christmas Vacation, syempre dahil hindi nagwork yung crush ko kay volleyball girlie, it feels like pinaglalaruan ako ng emotions ko. Nwvm still likes my stories, he even greeted me both on Christmas and New Year, I know he's just being nice, but him being nice was destroying me again, bumalik na naman ako sa cycle kasi yung akala kong naka-move on na ako, hindi pa pala. Yung simpleng pagpaparamdamn niya, hindi nakatulong sa'kin, bumalik na naman lahat, nawasak na naman ulit ako. 

Fast forward to mid February, nagkaroon naman ako ng attraction kay dimples guy. It's like 5% crush lang kasi ang talino niya, and he's cute but I don't want to have any conflict kasi may past situation siya sa isang girl na ka-close ko. And that girl is so so nice to me kaya yung 5% crush na 'yun, after 1-3 days, nawala na agad. 

However, going back to volleyball girlie, she's being nice to me again and I want to stay away from her, to not associate myself with her anymore, kasi mali, sobrang mali na na-attach ako sakanya dati, na nagkagusto ako around December knowing na I'm not yet fully healed. 

Nung February, medyo payapa na ang aking heart kasi sobrang focused lang ako sa acads, at kung magkaka-crush man, yung panandalian lang para hindi ako gaanong ma-attach. Yung mga nagiging crush ko, puro officers sa ROTC na saka ko lang nagiging crush tuwing sabado.

During February to March, parang wala na akong pakealam talaga kay nwvm, but when he sometimes likes my stories, parang may something na trigger talaga but hinahayaan ko nalang. Not until I saw his IG story nung birthday ni tgm. It felt like nanginig ako. I know there's nothing wrong with his caption, but why do it felt like bumabalik na naman ako sa dati? Bakit bumalik na naman ako sa cycle na atras abante. I genuinely thought I already moved forward, hindi ko na siya naiisip, but that one IG story made me breakdown, ang dami kong tanong sa isip nung time na yon. It may be too dramatic, I know, but I can't control my feelings and actions because alam kong may something nga. 

Parang bumalik yung trauma ko, because before nwvm, there was a guy na nagbigay sakin ng malaking trauma na hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa rin. Hindi ko alam pero nung time na yon, I had no choice but to unfollow him. Matagal ko nang hinohold-back yon, kasi gusto ko i-prove sa sarili ko na healthy yung mindset ko, na kaya kong magmove on ng mutuals parin kami. 

It was april nung nangyari yun, saktong birthmonth ko pa talaga. There was this one person, who helped me get through it, she was the one who suggested na I should unfollow him. But we're not currently talking, I don't know what happened sana maintindihan niya na di lang talaga ako nag-iinitiate ng convo and I tend to self-isolate lahat, but I'm glad that she is my close friend. Shout out aye! I know you won't be able to read this, but I'm really thankful for being the one who always listens. Well, I don't know if okay na ba sila ni dhea, but kahit ano naman I'm happy for her, as long as she's happy.

Anyway, going back, after that unfollowing and umabot sa point na I blocked him, I admit I want to know his ganap sa buhay. At dito na papasok sa story si tgm. Yung hunch na nararamdaman ko dati, during that time, I know it was all true. It turns out they are bff, a duo. Since I stalked her, I always knew she has thread account, at matagal na naman akong may threads so I frequently visits her, and I feel like she knew that someone is stalking her, and that someone is me.

Fast forward, last June 2, I saw her pinned thread, about healing and enjoying life, that is specifically and purposely posted for me because it has strawberry emoji, and I knew in myself na it was me because my ig account has highlight that has a strawberry emoji on it. May cloud emoji din which is my bio on threads.

So we talked, I replied on her thread, tapos she made things clear to me na there was an attraction nga between her and nwvm but never daw lumagpas don and I was like damn! I knew it since the beginning, hindi ako nagkakamali. Ang weird lang na instead of hurting, she gave me so much peace of mind and I owe her for that. Though at first I was intimated by her kasi yung thread posts niya halos tungkol kay nwvm and sometimes parang gusto niyang sabihin sakin indirectly na she's so close to him. There was also one time nung sinabi niya yung twt account niya so as a curious girlie, I searched her account and that's when I knew everything on her side of the story.

I don't know kung saan na ba umiikot ito, but all I want to say is that, tgm is a nice girl, and I'm glad that I was able to talk to her for just a short span of time.

So this is where the conflict happens, few days ago, nalaman ko na may nang-stalk ng twitter account ko, which is 0 followers at Cup of Joe lang naman yung finofollow ko. As miss tgm told me, nakarating daw kay nwvm yung tweet ko about him being red flag and no emotional intelligence, na pinakita niya sa ate niya at sa pinsan niya which is i know si c.e.m 'yon. During that time, I don't know what to feel, maybe full of guilt because I hurt him by my choice of word. But during naman our situationship days? I don't know what to call kasi never naging kami. I feel like there's been always a tall wall between us. I barely knew nwvm, but the question here is bakit ko siya minahal despite not knowing everything about him? After nga nung natapos kami, ang daming tanong na pumasok sa isip ko. "Pampalipas oras lang ba ako?", "backburner ba ako?", "Am i not good enough kaya niya tinapos ito?" Ang daming beses na gusto kong tapusin na but I'm holding back because I don't want to let him go. But hindi pa kami natatapos, nawawasak na pala ako. I was crying every damn night, questioning my self worth kasi bakit I'm always waiting for him? 

And that's when I knew it, siya yung sumisira ng mental health ko. 

Emotionally unavailable, the right word that perfectly describes him but he's struggling also mentally, so I get it, so it was like, we're both struggling and being together ang makakasira sa aming dalawa. 

Going back, ang pinagtataka ko lang, sinong mutual namin yung nang-stalk ng account ko sa twitter? At ipinarating pa kay nwvm, I admit kasalanan ko yun, na nasabi ko yun, but damn, twitter was my safe place, sometimes hindi ko rin naman masyadong mine-mean yung tweets ko. Kaya lang naman ako nagtwitwitter kasi masyadong maikli yung attention span ko pag manonood ng movie so batak ako mag retweet at mag tweet ng random things.

But the damage has been done, at sira na ang tingin nila sa'kin. But nasira na din ang tiwala ko sa mga tao. A lot of people probably saw that tweet of mine na hindi ko naman talaga matandaan kung kailan ko ba nasabi yon but during this moment of my life, I feel like ang dami ng taong iba yung tingin sa'kin, and it's all because of that fucking mistake that I've done na hindi ko na maitatama kasi hindi ko rin naman alam kung kanino at hanggang saan umabot yung tweet na yon.

At ngayon, I deactivated my socmeds and I can't even open my twitter anymore because it's too traumatizing for me. Everything was too exhausting and draining, I don't like to associate with those people anymore, especially nwvm. But miss tgm, she's a great and wise girl, she deserves the best. I hope she heals from everything lalo na sa archi past niya. At kahit naman hindi na okay yung tingin ni nwvm sakin, the fact that he suffers from depression, concerns me. But I know he's in a good hands, may tgm naman siya and other friends, family, and therapist who supports him.

Anyway, I never expected to be in this kind of situation wherein I don't know who to trust anymore. Posting on social media has a lot of consequences, and I am facing those right now. I'm afraid of people, I feel like they're judging me based on what they saw.

Ang dami kong gustong kalimutan, kung pwede lang sana, edi matagal ko nang ginawa. The feeling that I'm feeling towards nwvm halo-halo na but the good thing here is, after all that I've been through, parang namanhid na ako. Nawalan na ako ng pake. The love is all gone. I don't like anyone else right now, at matatagalan siguro itong pagkamanhid ko kasi pagod na pagod na ako.

Masyado lang nasisira yung buhay ko. Yung payapa sa isip at puso ko, damn yun lang yung gusto ko ngayon. Hindi ko na gugustuhing mawasak ulit sa maling tao. Sapat na lahat ng pinaranas sakin ng universe kaya natauhan na talaga ako.