Trust In His Perfect Timing

I stumbled upon this Medium post. Ever since I was young, I am always fond of disney princesses, hoping that this young little girl nissy will find her own prince charming once she grows up. Lagi niyang ini-imagine na someday, magkakaroon din siya ng happily ever after. I remember, I had this memory, I think eto yung pinakauna kong memory nung bata ako. Nasa isang simbahan ako tapos nagsasabihan ng vow yung dalawang kinakasal sa harap ng altar, tapos nasa isip ko nun nung bata ako, paano nila nakakayanan magsalita ng ganon sa harapan ng maraming tao? 'Pag ako tumanda, sabi ko sa sarili ko di ko ito gagawin kapag kinasal ako.

oh diba ang bata bata pa, kasal na agad?!

Pero ngayong I'm currently 19 years old, all I just want to happen in my life ay magkaroon ako ng successful career at payapang pamumuhay. Sana yung mga mangyari sa future nissy, ma-achieve yung mga goal sa life. I always see myself as afraid girlie na hindi risk taker. I am not comfortable in terms of getting out of my comfort zone because I just can't get away of the fact the I am not that kind of person na may bilib sa sarili. Lagi kong binababa yung sarili ko, and lagi kong nakikita yung mga pagkukulang ko which shows na wala akong tiwala on my own capabilities.

Medyo napapalayo na ako sa topic ko ah, when will I find my prince charming? or why not girl, we never know :P 

Anyway, as a hopeless romantic girlie na lately nalaman na hindi ako straight, I won't rush myself into finding my lover because nakikita ko sa nangyayari ngayon sa life ko na I should really have to make myself feel na I am already enough and I don't need someone to show how worthy and valuable I am. To my past relationship (with no label at all), I think that made me learn na there will come to a point na akala ko sila na ang aking happily ever after, but in the end, they just turned to be a chapter of this book of my life. I have found my first/puppy and my second/greatest love, sooo... when the right time comes, I hope God will lead me to that right person who will eventually become my one true love.

Pero Lord, I am not rushing ha? :) Just know that I am always trusting your will for me, even if I don't understand what's your plan for me at the moment, alam kong in the future, masasabi ko na "Haaay Lord, I knew it was you and your plan all along"

Anyway, bilang pagtatapos, I would like to put here this simple message my 14 years old sent me in the past. Don't worry old self, hindi kita bibiguin! :)

Reddit Is Full Of Problematic People

 They can never make me hate you, skyfam ☁️

+ Saxon Kent👶🏻

"Ginagatasan yung anak". How can someone be so mean? A short backstory, I've known Ms. Kryz since year 2020 mainly because of Architect Oliver, nung nag-react siya sa Skypod house nila. Nung una, na-intimidate ako kasi kikay si Kryz and I thought they were the typical rich and expensive couple. I have to make improvements in terms of my judgements because when I get to know their family, lahat ng akala ko, mali pala.

I started to be a fan and like a virtual ninang of Scottie because I like the way Kryz vlog, it feels so homey and authentic, and the vibe was so therapeutic. Yun yung kailangan ko lalo nung pandemic era kaya lagi ko silang inaabangan. Her Wednesday @6pm and Sunday @10am vlogs were always the thing that I get excited the most every week. Tapos meron pang time na I binged watched Kryz vlogs because I admire the way how family oriented she is and yung goals and plans niya sa life is something that I can look up to.

Kryz and Slater got married, and they travelled abroad on the places that they want to go to.

Tapos when they had Scottie, they were first time parents so they were struggling at first and then Sevi comes tapos this year, Saxon was born and in just blink of an eye, they are a family of 5!

Kryz vlogs always feel like my comfort and my home. Someone said na ginagawa lang ni Kryz na content yung kids niya just to make money but I always knew na it's for memories. And Kryz knows privacy, hindi lahat ng bagay pinapakita niya sa vlogs niya, just a sneak peek of what is happening around their house. 

Honestly, reddit users are toxic people to begin with. At first, I downloaded that app just to have some news on what's currently happening today but things are getting out of hand. Nung una, puro kay Alice Guo lang yung mga stuffs but sa pagtagal, puro tungkol sa mga stuffs na ikasisira ng mga tao.

Wala bang ibang pinagkakaabalahan ang mga tao sa app na yon? Haaay, basta skyfam will always be my comfort no matter what other people say.

Is Coding For Me?

 The only limit is my imagination... 

It's been almost 2 weeks since I started advanced studying for real. I admit, it's super challenging lalo na sa katulad kong napakaikli ng attention span. Naiintindihan ko naman yung topic, but hindi pa ako gaanong nakakapag-write ng code on my own. 

Naalala ko nung mga paunang araw ng pag-aaral ko, yung laman lagi ng mga panaginip ko eh all about coding stuffs, but yung mga panaginip ko these days ay wala na akong natatandaan. 

Honestly, sa pagtagal, parang nasasanay na ako na mag-aral tungkol sa mga stuffs na ganito. Totoo pala yun, pwede ko palang matutunan na mahalin yung course na pinili ko for practicality.

Dati, I thought coding is all about html, which is favorite topic ko dati nung grade 6 and 8 since lagi akong nag-e-excel don. But html is not a programming language pala. It's just for starters, I guess? Madaming types ng totoong programming language like Java, Python, SQL, C++ and many more.

Dati talaga masyado akong napanghihinaan ng loob kasi pinasok ko itong course na ito nang wala akong alam. Pero basta may sipag, lahat matututunan, lahat mapag-aaralan. 

Tiwala lang, nissy! Rooting for you :)

Holding On Will Just Make Me Suffer

 A girlie with attachment issues, that's exactly who I am...

    But I don't want to hold on anymore. To my past mistakes, laging nagre-recall yung mga ginawa ko dati every time I'm about to sleep. Meron bang madi-discover in the future na parang pill pampalimot? Asan na ba yung mga nagwo-work sa brain ko. pwede bang i-suck nila sa vacuum yung mga memories na gusto ko nang makalimutan? May napanood ako somewhere, just focus on what is happening right now, because it will define your future. So I am focusing on what is currrently happening, at yun ay ang... nag-t-try akong mag aral ng java. Hindi ko alam kung ano nang nangyari sa knowledge ko about python maybe I'll try solving some problems related to that. 

I honestly thought it was overwhelming at first. May mga hindi pa ako gaanong gamay, but I think kaya ko naman ito basta may sipag at tiyaga. Anyway, let's go back to studying na!

:)

The Peace of Not Knowing

 These past few days, I've been working on myself

    As much as I can, I am trying to keep myself away from social media-- that place ruined my mental being so much. Gusto ko after ng bakasyon na ito, better version na ako. I want to grow and become a better person. Gusto kong mag-aral talaga para hindi gaanong mahirapan yung sarili ko. Hindi ko na hahayaan na masyadong magpalamon sa mga nakikita ko sa net, I don't want to be stressed on those unnecessary things anymore. I think more than 2 weeks ko na rin dine-deprive yung sarili ko from socmeds, but I can't help myself to become COMPLETELY away from it, Youtube ang laging pinupuntahan ko.

    Kaya ko naman palang mawalan ng pake on things that is going on around me, especially on other people. Hindi na ako masyadong interesado sa ganap ng ibang tao, I'm prioritizing more myself these days. Wala naman akong mapapala sa iba, dapat sa sarili ko lang fino-focus yung attention ko.

    July 3, WEDNESDAY. Three days since the month of July has started. Self-isolation has always been my coping mechanism, at wala sigurong nakakapansin na lumalayo ako, maybe that's for the best. Gusto ko rin naman na mamuhay ng payapa at lumayo muna sa mga tao. Maiintindihan naman nila, siguro?

    Feeling ko talaga they won't notice it in the first place, and that's completely okay. Mas gusto ko na ganito nalang yung nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. Walang masisira yung mga tao sa'kin kung hindi na nila alam yung nangyayari sa buhay ko.

    Hmmm, basta all I want right now ay mangyari yung mga goal ko ngayong bakasyon. To work on becoming a better version of myself.

I Loved You, It Ruined My Life

 Out of all Taylor Swift's songs, I relate to the Fortnight the most

Today is July 1st, MONDAY. Before I start writing on this blog entry of mine, I promise to myself na this will be the last time I will be writing to this blog na tungkol kay nwvm. Kaya ko naisip na magsulat ngayon, kaninang madaling araw I can't fall asleep, so I decided to read everything dito sa blog ko and most of it was about him. Nabasa ko yung mga past thoughts ko dati about sakanya and after that, oh fudge naaawa ako sa sarili ko. 

Sa lahat ng napagdaanan ko, kahit ano mang maling desisyon yung nagawa ko, hindi ko deserve na maramdaman lahat ng yun. Walang kahit sinong may deserve. After all that I've been through, masyado akong nag-beg, masyado kong binaba yung sarili ko, masyado ko siyang minahal to the point na ubos na ubos na ako. Hindi ko na talaga makilala yung sarili ko non, at hindi ko na gugustuhing maranasan yun ulit. 

Haaay Lord, hindi ko pa talaga kaya yung mga ganitong love, kasi grabe pala talaga ako magmahal. Hindi si nissy yon, ibang persona ko yon.

Yung totoong nissy, dapat laging sarili yung pinipili. Hindi masamang maging selfish minsan miss nissy, you have to make your walls and your boundaries higher, you should not let other people take advantage of your kindness.

Yeah, I admit it hindi naman ako nagbabait-baitan dito, syempre may atraso din ako sa mga taong nanakit sa'kin, wala na akong magagawa pa, wala na naman sila sa buhay ko para isipin ko pa 'di ba?

Hindi ko na gugustuhin pang makita sila, lalo na si Nick. I guess the feeling is mutual, he don't want to associate with me anymore as far as I can remember. Maybe para na rin sa ikapapayapa ng lahat, mas mabuti pang isipin ko nalang na never ko siyang nakilala kasi masyado akong nawasak dahil sakanya.