I don't personally see myself as someone with a romantic relationship...
Maybe because of the things that I've experienced in the past, at sa mga naranasang kong 'yun, naramdaman kong ang dami kong mali na hindi ko dapat ginagawa, and what if I chose to take another risk, and this time yung may commitment na? Hindi ko naman gugustuhing mawasak ulit.
Kanina, umalis kami nila mama at papa. First time 'yun. Hindi ko alam kung bakit when I'm around them, laging tikom bibig ko. I don't talk unless kakausapin ako. Buong byahe nakapikit lang ako, or kaya nakatingin sa maraming clouds. Tapos may kasabayan kaming airplane kanina. Natapos ang buong kanta ng "On The Wings Of Love" at kasabayan pa rin namin yung eroplano sa kalangitan hanggang sa may dumaang malaking alapaap kaya nawala yung eroplano. Ang random noh? At dahil wala na akong pinagmamasdan, pumikit nalang ako. Nag-isip ng kung anu-ano tapos bigla kong naisipan, "what if new topic sa blog ko ay about sa reasons kung bakit takot ako mag-commit/hindi pa ako ready?"
And here we go! Let's start!
Reason #1. I was cheated, my trust issues evolved. Uunahin ko dito yung paglilista ng mga naka-fling ko or MU? Like same kami ng feeling or naka-interest ko. Three people to be exact. 2 guys and 1 girl. Yung first guy, he cheated, ghosted, and his friend bodyshamed me. First guy was my puppy love. But he traumatized me so damn much.
Reason #2. I was blinded by love. I can't control what I feel. Yung 2nd guy, yes I admit he's nice and friendly. I know it's all just a fling, a canon event between 2 highschool students who were just naive. But I was too blinded, kahit alam kong mali, tinuloy ko pa rin i-risk knowing na it won't last till the end.
Reason #3. I tend to always isolate. I can't handle platonic relationships. What more pa kaya sa romantic? Ang dami kong lowest point tapos everytime nararanasan ko yun, wala akong ibang ginagawa kundi mag-deactivate/hindi gumamit ng social media. Ang mangyayari, hindi na ako makakapag-catch up, matagal akong nawawala.
Reason #4. Madali akong ma-distract, lalo kapag in-love. Sobra ko itong naranasan kay 2nd guy. He was my biggest distraction during finals on my SHS days (ngayon ko lang ito aaminin). Masyado akong nagpakachill non, mas pinili kong magpakasaya at ma-distract non basta siya yung dahilan.
Reason #5. Building my career and myself first. Ayaw kong magkaroon ng seryosong ka-relasyon sa age ko na ito. 19 years old is still young for me. I think hindi ko kayang mag-handle ng relationship kasi feeling ko masyado akong naive at immature. Too young and no experience at all.
Reason #6. I can't easily distinguish if I'm inlove or just infatuated. Napapaisip tuloy ako kung nagmahal na ba ako nang totohanan. Puro crush lang talaga naranasan ko so it's like admiration and attraction lang but in those three people that I liked, minahal ko ba o gusto lang? I don't know, how can we tell? Ngayon kasing naka-move on na ako sa kanila, hindi ko na maalala yung naramdaman ko during them. But based on my past blogs, I loved 2nd guy. But my heart is finally free, I don't feel anything anymore.
I guess that's all! Marami pa siguro but for now, ayan muna.
Kaya nissy, sarili at career muna ha? : )
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