Trust Issue

Have you had any misunderstanding with someone that made you and him/her grow apart?

Yes, I had. Hindi ko naman maitatanggi. I never really had any palusot why I did that. Siguro if I didn't do that, our friendship will remain as it is.

I met her when we were in 7th grade. I felt comfortable around her, she was so nice to me. Lagi siyang mapagbigay ng food niya every recess, at higit sa lahat, she doesn't have two faces. Siya yung taong wala nang paligoy-ligoy, sinasabi niya agad-agad. 

A lot of our classmates were so afraid of her. They say she's mean pero I think she's often misunderstood on her actions. We were always together during our 8th grade tapos there was a time when she shouted at me. It felt like dejavu because I used to experience that in home. Hindi ko nalang pinansin kasi baka stress lang siya or something.

But when she repeated it again, parang gusto ko nang humiwalay. Deserve ko ba ito? Pati ba naman dito sa school mararanasan ko ito? Pero binalewala ko na lang ulit.

Hanggang sa dumating yung 9th grade. We became a trio. Hindi talaga maiiwasan na may maiwanan. I felt that too but I didn't fix the problem. Dumagdag pa ako sa gulo. I played the victim during that time. While the girl that being left out feels so betrayed. 

During those times, sinisisi ko lang yung sarili ko. Dapat sinabi ko yung issues ko with her, na I feel afraid whenever someone shouts at me. But I didn't do it. Siguro it's for the best. Ang toxic ko sakanya, she just being honest with me. Inabot pa ako ng halos one year to apologize for what I did.

Habang iniisip ko yon ngayon, I am not expecting something like she will forgive me, pero sana she's doing good.

Yours truly, nissy

Mama and Papa

Are you and your parents close? 

Unfortunately, we are not. I don't really know why it turns out that way. Siguro sobrang stubborn ko nung bata ako kaya di ko nae-express yung totoong ako in front of my parents.

There was a time when I saw mama crying in the terrace. They had a huge fight which really made me so confused at that moment. Wala akong alam sa kanila. We never had a heart to heart conversation to each other. Whenever I see other people same with my age tapos they treat their parents as their best friend, there's a sudden impact on my heart. I wish we could be like that too.

I can't even say to them that I love them as much as they do. When I see my father, I am always careful on the things that I do because I am afraid he would shout at me. I'm not really scared at him pero I feel like I should try not to annoy him. He wants everything to be done accordingly to his will which is totally fine but I don't know how to handle the situation whenever I can't do something immediately.

There was a time when he asked me na pumunta ng kapitbahay to return the money, I don't know what to do at that moment because he doesn't know that I am afraid of socializing to other people. I know I'm the one na nagkamali but the moment he shouted my name, I feel terrified. All I want is to cry, but I'm afraid he would see me crying.

Gusto kong ilabas lahat pero nablanko lang ako.

Siguro the reason why I am being like this, too afraid to socialize, is because I am too scared of people coming at me. I always feel weak whenever soneone shouts at me. 

I hope I'll overcome this fear. 

Yours truly, nissy

Power Interruption

Have you ever been into a situation which you can't decide what you will do next?

Currently no power here in our barangay. I think in some parts of the city too? National clearing day daw sabi ng batelec. Everytime na mawawalan ng kuryente, walang wifi and data so I have no choice but to think a lot of things.

We had a section reveal 3 days ago, STEM yung kinuha kong strand. I really don't know what path should I take. Hindi ko nakikita yung sarili ko sa kung saan mang field related to engineering nor medicine.  I always wanted to be a dentist, radio DJ, pre-school teacher but some of it requires proper communication and stable financial status. I don't want to burden my parents on something I am not sure about. I am afraid to take a risk in terms of what will I take in college.

Industrial Engineer is my first choice, sabi nila madaming opportunities and walang bar exam but may discrimination, pero wala akong masyadong knowledge about that course. All I know is it requires students to be masipag because there are lot of calculations that happening in there. 

Nung bata ako, gusto ko nang mag-college agad para matapos ko na agad yung pag-aaral ko. As I grow older, I wish I could go back in time when I don't have to worry about my future yet.

I promise that I will make myself and my parents proud in the near future.

Yours truly, nissy

Letting go of the past

Is there anything that happened on you in your past that you wish you didn't experience at all? 

Siguro while growing up,  we always hear others say that everything happens for a reason. There are moments that we regret doing in the past and just wish to forget it instantly. 

There's a part in me which I am thankful for what he did to me, pero I have this feeling inside na what if I didn't take the risk in the first place?

What if I didn't confess? 

What if I ditched him on that day?

What if we never had any conversation?

What if I never talked to him?

What if I just consider him as a friend?

I think it would be better if we didn't met at all. 

But in all those what ifs, I miss the butterfly feeling inside my stomach, all those stuttering moments I had just to talk to him. I liked him since 2014, the longer I liked, the deeper my feelings evolve. 

Since a lot of things happened, ilang red flags narin ang nagpakita, I still chose to trust him, until he ghosted me and cheated on me.

We haven't talk at all ever since he greeted me on my birthday, I tried to forget all those painful memories pero bumabalik. I wish I didn't experience any of those. Sana I focused nalang on academics. Pero wala na eh, nangyari na.

I don't know if he kept all the letters and poems I got for him, he can throw it away or cherish it; I don't know, siya na bahala. This will be the last letter that I will dedicate on him. I hope he is doing great. I can't say magmomove-on na ako because we never really had a thing, like it's a big no we're still kids! But yeah, I think it's time to let him and my feelings go na dapat matagal ko nang ginawa; stay healthy, nicho. 

Yours truly. nissy

Learning something life changing

What was your childhood dream that you want to accomplish until now? Or did you already accomplished it?

I really wanted to be a violinist ever since I was a toddler. Kahit maalam lang ako tumugtog or kahit alam ko lang yung basic information, matutuwa na ako. During the time that I grow up naman, I always hear others say, mag-diet ka naman! Ang taba-taba mo na. Tapos when I started hitting puberty, my pimples on my noo popped up all at once. It was my insecurity back then, which causes me to be afraid of socializing kasi iba yung anxiety na nadudulot sakin lalo na nga dahil sa mga nagsasabi about my body nung bata ako.

We had a violin last December 2019, Christmas gift samin ni mama. Pero hindi namin agad na-practice ng araw-araw kasi may iba pa kaming priorities nung mga time na yon, and I'm not motivated to continue because I don't know the reason why would I start learning in the first place.

Quarantine started and I never thought of practicing, kasi I have other things to consider. Lalo na yung mental and physical health ko nung time na yon. I remember crying every night because of that one guy that made me broken. I also binge eat because it was so stressful at that time. I isolate myself in my room for like a month because I was literally crying every time I remember what happened to me.

I started to change my lifestyle. I tried to not eat too much so I stopped binge eating and made myself focus on the other things that will make me happy. I just watch a lot of kdramas to make myself busy. At that time, I was slowly healing and when my mental health is good, I started to change my physical features.

I drank a lot of water, ate healthy foods. Tapos in the process, I slowly control the junk foods that I eat para di mabigla yung body ko. I tried to do the chloe ting challenge but it lasted for only 2-3 weeks. I installed tiktok and it was so educational. Marami akong natutunan. Ate Nicole Caluag really changed me in terms of my body. She always say calorie deficit in her ulam of the day serye which I did in like 4 months (August-November 2020.) I lost 11 kg in those months tapos hindi ko na masyadong napapansin yung pimples ko, which is nawala na rin. My clear skin that I always wish I could have finally appeared! Fast forward ngayong August 2021, I am currently enjoying my life. I'm still doing the calorie deficit to maintain my body. 

Usapang Violin naman, I started practicing it on July 28, 2021. It was really hard at first, lalo na't walang guma-guide sakin kase self learner lang ako. Pero habang tumatagal, nasasanay narin ako. Sa youtube lang ako natututo and so far, nakakaya ko nang tugtugin yung Gypsy Firelight ni Ms. Sparrow, although wala pa sa timing pero matutunan ko rin yun sa susunod pang mga araw. I am happy that I found the reason why I'm doing this.

That reason is because I want myself to learn something new that I never expected to achieve before. What I learn from the weight loss that happened is that we don't need to please others for what they see on us. If you have that confidence and you see that you are unique, you don't have to think what others say onto you because they don't have the confidence you have on you.

Always remember the 10 seconds rule:

You shouldn’t point out things about people’s appearances if they can’t fix it in ten seconds.

Yours truly, nissy

Ambivert

Are you an introvert or extrovert person? Or in between? 

Kung oo, parehas tayo. Hindi naman ako ganon nung bata ako, pero nawala yung confidence ko sa sarili ko the time na maraming tao na yung nagsasabi na mataba ko. It made me hide inside the box and I don't know how to handle the situation.

Some of my childhood friends were the reason why I  don't always hide in the dark. They are making me happy whenever they are with me. Reigne was my former friend, the granddaughter of our school's principal. She always invites me to join lunch with her sa bahay nila and I remember that her and her kuya are always fighting kasi parehas nilang gusto yung egg ng isda.

Anyway, napapalayo na sa topic. As I have said on my past blog post, I don't feel comfortable when I'm around in too many people. That's why I stay quiet whenever there are activities that require groupmates. I am afraid of judgements. I am too shy to socialize. But whenever I'm with my friends, the kalog version of me suddenly comes out. It feels like they are my safe place. No judgements. They always makes my day. Whenever I feel so blue, kahit hindi ako masyadong palasabi ng problema ko, kapag magkakasama kami, parang nakalimutan ko tapos maya-maya tatawa na ako.

There are times when I'm just too happy and I talk to a lot of people. Magulo akong tao eh. My face kinda look intimidating sometimes, pero once na magkausap tayo, I will talk to you with a smile. I can't promise that I won't think the atmosphere looks awkward, but I will try to overcome my shyness.

Yours truly, nissy

Best kind of people

Do you think that the people sitting near you on the first day of your class will become the reason for you to continue enjoying life to the fullest? 

In my own experience, I think yes. But some of them just became part of it for just a short time. A lot of things happened ever since I transferred to a new school. New environment, new people, new beginnings, new experience, and new friends. 

Among all of my classmates in 6th grade, tatlo lang yung naging kaklase ko ulit. Sa tatlong yon, isa lang yung naging parang nakakausap ko parin hanggang ngayon. 

Year 2021 ko ito sinusulat, malapit na akong mag-grade 11. Sa lahat ng kaklase ko nung 7th grade, tatlo yung naging kaibigan ko hanggang ngayon.

Ann, Miel, and Van

Hello Ann! You were there during the time when Miel and I had a misunderstanding. You comforted me, kasama rin si Lhanz sa mga pangyayaring yon. You made me believed that the person like me can change. I know you don't know it yourself pero malaki yung naging impact mo sa life ko. You are one of the reason why I treasure our friendship. You made me realized my past mistakes by letting me know your past experiences. The way you approached me even if I'm not comfortable communicating with other people during our first day of class, I already felt in that moment that you will be my friend. I am grateful I found a friend like you, yung kahit sobrang random ng kuwento ko, makikinig ka. Kahit na medyo fail yung advices mo in terms of my past crush tapos ginawa ko, salamat parin. Yung pagsama mo sa'kin, it made me feel important. Ever since I was a toddler, wala akong circle of friends. Yung mga kaibigan ko, hindi nila kaibigan yung iba kong kaibigan. Kaya siguro it felt different when we are once a trio. Mika was once our friend. But because of the misunderstanding that took too long for us to apologize, parang dahil sakin nawala yung tiwala niya. Nawala din yung pagkakaibigan. But I'm happy that you stayed, despite of all the things that happened, you still chose to be my friend. You still trusted me, and I will forever cherish you for being my friend. 

Hello Miel! You are that kind of friend na even if we don't talk a lot to each other, kahit na di ko alam yung mga ganap sayo, alam natin sa isa't isa na magkaibigan parin tayo. You will always be my best buddy every uwian, food buddy: mapa-siomai, fries, kfc, mcdo, sisig, o zagu pa yan. LaCo made us closer together. We are not really close during our elementary days because you have your own squad, but I am happy to be your bestie. I really don't have anything left to say pero I hope our friendship last eternally.

Hello Van! We were classmates since grade 7, your friends are my friends but we never had a chance to be "that close." Quarantine made us closer, I actually never thought na magiging ka-vibes kita. I remember the first day of our class, introduce yourself. Nagkamali ka ng bigkas ng pangalan mo, and then napapikit ka nalang nung uupo ka na. Tahimik ka noon sa klase, ano nang nangyari bakit parang nag-ibang anyo ka? HAHAHAHA. I won't forget the time you and Ryle helped me on our science project. The two of you invited me to be part of your group, kahit na tapos na kayo. That time, sobrang naiiyak ako na hindi maintindihan. Ayoko lang ipakita, pero sobrang ko kayong pinasasalamatan nung time na yon. You and Ryle made my grade 10 life so much easier, kayo yung pwede kong malapitan kaagad. Knowing me, si Ann lang yung lagi kong kasama nung grade 9 but she transferred to another school. I will always be thankful sayo. Ikaw lagi yung nag-sstart ng conversation, tapos ako yung taong isang tanong isang sagot. Pero parang nahawa na ako sayo, ewan ko, basta. Tahimik akong tao, pero kapag kaharap ko na kayo, nagiiba talaga yung atmosphere. It feels like I am free to express myself without any judgements and because of that, thankyou for being my friend.

I wish for long lasting friendship.

Yours truly, nissy

Time Machine

Have you ever wonder? What if scientists invented time machine? Would you go back in time or would you like to time travel to witness the future?

Every night, every time that I was about to sleep, lagi kong iniisip yung mga past mistakes ko which lead me to where I am right now. I hurt a lot of people that I once considered my best kind of friends. Those people have their own squads now and I am happy for them. Pero I have this thinking na what if inayos ko? Yung ako yung mag-a-approach dahil ako rin naman yung may kasalanan. I know in myself na ma-pride akong tao. I don't easily realize that I was the one who is hurting them, basically I'm playing the victim. My past self reflects my present self but that doesn't mean I didn't change. 

Napatawad na ba nila ako? Lagi kong iniisip na ako lagi yung naiiwan sa barkada, pero the real thing is, ako yung nang-iiwan ng barkada. They were the one who always come to me, dahil sobrang hindi ako masyadong magaling makipag-communicate. Pero the time na I met new people, iniisip ko na lalayo na ba sila? Pero ako pala yung lumalayo sa kanila.

I always identified myself as a kind and friendly person, pero it is different on other people's perspective.

As time goes by, I know I did a lot of stuff that made our friendship grow apart, but I always wish that even if they won't forgive me for what I did, I hope they found the right people who can treat them well genuinely.

I'm sorry.

Yours truly, nissy