Situationship

How can you let go of someone who was never yours in the first place?

Talking stage for almost 4 months. Natapos kami nang walang naismulan. It's hard to cut ties that never been tred. Mahirap bitawan yung hindi mo naman nahawakan. It will not and never will be easy.

I'm a girlie na no boyfriend since birth. So when it terms to relationship, specifically romantic, hindi ko alam, kasi never ko naman naranasan. Maybe during our talking stage, I was too much too handle. Masyado siguro akong naging sobra to the point na hindi niya na ako maabot. May mga bagay ako na ginawa na hindi ko dapat ginawa. Siguro nga ganon. Saka hindi rin naman kami parehas handa mag-commit. Sabi ko I'll risk everything, pero ngayong iniisip ko, parang hindi ko naman kaya. Baka sobra na yung mga nasabi ko, na hindi dapat ginagawa during talking stage. Nagsimula lang naman ito sa happy crush lang, crush lang naman talaga. Pero hindi na napigilan, edi lumala yung nararamdaman. Haaay shs nissy, sa other side of the universe, I know you're still happy with that ub guy, but please, huwag ka masyadong magpakatanga hahahaha

Healing Stage

"Don't forget God when you get what you prayed for"

Lagi kong dasal, Lord please help me heal. Natapos at na-kumpleto ko ang siyam na simbang gabi at ang tanging pinagdasal ko

Lord please, ang sakit parin. Please help me heal. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Kaya kapag kinakanta yung Ama Namin, dun ako nagdadasal, tapos after kumanta, naluluha na lang talaga ako. Tapos parang gumagagaan yung loob ko pagkatapos magdasal at umiyak. Sa halos buong simbang gabi, yun lang talaga yung pinagdasal ko. Sana mag-heal na ako.

At ngayon, na parang nararamdaman ko na hindi na ako gaanong nasasaktan at apektado, pinagpapasalamat ko talaga sa diyos kasi He was a big part of it. God is with me all throughout my healing process. Sabi sa librong binasa ko, to believe is to see. Dati, inaamin ko naman talaga na medyo nawawala yung faith ko kay God kasi ano bang proof na totoo siya? Totoo ba talaga ang Diyos?

Not until I became too weak. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kinakaya yung pain na dinulot sakin. Lagi akong lumalapit kay Lord, umiiyak, nagtatanong kung bakit ko ito nararanasan, at paano ako makakaahon. Siguro July pa ako nagsimulang magdasal. Meron kasi dito sa kwarto ko na bintana sa may right na part. Tapos kapag tumingin sa labas, may ilaw na maliwanag. Dun ako tumitingin, dun ko kinakausap si Lord habang umiiyak ako. Tapos may mga times na siguro nagkakataon lang, parang nagbliblink yung ilaw, siguro coincidence lang o dahil sa mga luha sa mata ko kaya akala ko nagbliblink.

Ayun, dun ko napatunayan na to believe is to see. Kasi naniwala ako na sa mga pagkakataong mahina tayo, tutulungan tayo ni Lord na makaahon. I can feel his presence during those times na I feel so hopeless and helpless. Nung naramdaman kong hindi ko na kayang umahon. Na iyak ako nang iyak tuwing gabi. Nung wasak yung puso ko dahil lang sa nagmahal ako.

At ngayon, na-realize ko na kaya ko naman talagang mag-heal. Syempre, nung una sobrang fresh pa nung sugat sa puso ko but eventually, healing is a process and during the entire journey of my healing era, I was with God and he helped me heal. I know I'm not yet completely okay right now, pero I feel like I feel so much better compared nung first months na nangyari yon. May konting sakit parin, I admit. But I know in myself na it will all go away. The pain will all be replaced with joy. Kaya habang nasa proseso pa ako, hindi ko madadaliin. It will eventually be alright, balang araw. : )

One Week Before 2nd Semester Starts Ft. My Life Goals

Fudge, Academic pressure is freaking real.

Kaya ko ba ito? Natatakot ako na kinakabahan na excited na nababahala sa mga mangyayari. Mostly kasi panibagong professors na naman yung kailangan kong kilalanin. Yung way of teaching nila na kailangan kong kabisaduhin. Kasi yung way of learning ko, kailangan ko munang makita yung strategy nung nagtuturo bago ako makapag-adjust. Kinakabahan kasi for sure hihirap na naman ito. Dalawa na yung major course ko! Computer Programming and Data Algorithms and Structures. Napapa-face slap siguro yung guardian angel ko kasi hindi na ako nakapag-aral ngayong buong bakasyon na sabi ko mag-aaral ako. Uhm, syempre hindi naman maiiwasan na ma-pressure pero tulad nga ng paalala ko lagi sa sarili ko.

"Nissy, para kanino mo ba ginagawa lahat ng ito? Para kanino ka ba nag-aaral?"

Syempre lagi kong sagot, para sa sarili ko. Para sa future ko. Para someday, matupad ko yung mga pangarap ko.

Honestly, ang tanging goal ko lang naman sa buhay ay maging financially stable. Yung love, marriage, babies, hindi ko alam bakit parang never ko nakikita sarili ko in the future na magkakaroon ng anak. I don't see myself as a mother.

I want to travel around the world.

Dream place sa pilipinas? Sagada

Dream place sa other country? Switzerland

Pangarap ko rin talaga magkaroon ng camera, yung maca-capture talaga yung mga memories. Kasi I really do like to film every moments in my life. I like to capture every memories with the people that I care.

Ano pa bang goal ko? Goal ko rin na makita ang Northern Lights sa Norway! 

Gusto ko talaga maging successful na tao in the future. Gusto ko maging masaya on my own.

Pangarap ko rin na magkaroon ng sariling bahay! Hindi masyadong malaki, hindi rin sobrang liit. Honestly, gusto ko talagang tumira sa bahay ko mag-isa. Siguro sapat na yung isa hanggang tatlong pusa. Huwag aso kasi baka mag-away pa.

Habang tin-type ko yung mga goal ko sa buhay, hindi ko mapigilang umiyak. Tears of Joy ito Nissy ha. Ang dami ko palang pangarap. At sana matupad yun lahat.

Kaya future Nissy, pagbubutihan ko talaga ito. Mag-aaral ako ng mabuti para sa'yo.

Dahil sabi nga sa kanta ni Toneejay na 711

"Gusto kong ibigay buhay na gusto mo"

Future Nissy, you know that I will do everything just to make you proud. At kahit na ngayon na hindi pa nagsisimula ang 2nd semester, kakayanin kong mag-aral. Kahit mahirap, kahit nakakaparessure, para sa'yo Nissy, gagawin ko lahat.

: )

My Message For Him For Our SHS Graduation

Retrieved from May 22, 2023

I really want to give this grad pic of mine to you, even if you're not asking for it. Just take it as a remembrance, 'wag mong iwawala ha kasi original ito HAHAHAHAHAH. Congrats nik, gragraduate na tayo bukas finally!! Never got to say thank you in person for all of the things that you've done to me. For being my motivation since the beginning of the school year, being the person who healed me, being the one who keeps me excited to go to school, being my moral support during finals, and being my safe place. You know as a sentimental person, I am so grateful to have those memories I had with you. even if most of it was just small interactions. Life is full of uncertainties, I don't know what will happen next after this, are we still talking? I really do hope so. In few months, we're already college students, and I just want you to know that I will always be here for you, to support you, to be proud of you, and to cheer on you while you're achieving your dreams. Goodluck future arki! 

I miss you

Confusing Stage

Retrieved from July 4, 2023

why can't I understand myself

Lately, parang wala na. In every i miss you, wala na hindi niya pinapansin. The convos were getting shorter. Ganito ba ito? Bakit parang naghahabol na ako? Nick, ano ba ako sa'yo? Sabi ko okay lang eh, pero deep inside, parang ako nalang. Bakit yun yung nararamdaman ko? Why are you making me feel this way? Wala na ba? Nick just let me know, ayaw kong maghabol.

Life Is Challenging, I Feel So Lost

What a random night, full of regrets... and doubts in my capabilities 

Ever since I was young, the only thing that I can be proud of is being a consistent academic achiever. Parang hanggang sa lumaki ako, nakasanayan ko na dapat at the end of school year, may medalya ako. Hanggang sa unti-unti ko na palang nadedevelop yung academic validation na makakasira sa akin ngayon.

Minsan nga napapaisip ako, kung wala yung mga yun, sino na ba ako? Mamaliitin ko yung sarili ko. Hindi ako maniniwala sa kakayahan ko. Mas lalo akong napanghihinaan ng loob ngayong college, lalo na at pagkatapos nito, real world na.

Kailangan ko nang tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa.

Yun ang kinakatakot ko. Kaya ko bang dalhin yung sarili ko? Kaya ko bang gawin yung mga bagay na dapat matutunan sa course kong ito? Bakit parang naliligaw ako, at hindi ko alam kung saang direksyon yung tatahakin ko.

Sabi ko dati, gusto ko na mag-college para makatapos na ako.

Pero ngayong nasa mismong sitwasyon na ako. Takot na takot ako. Bakit parang mag-isa ako? Other people don't know my struggles. Hindi nila alam na pagod na pagod na ako. Hindi ko rin alam sa sarili ko, bakit ganito?

Dumagdag pa yung block namin na ang toxic ng mga tao. Gusto ko lang na makatapos, pero bakit magsesecond sem palang, pinagdududahan ko na yung sarili ko.

Hays, my problems are too shallow compared to others. Ni hindi ko nga alam sa sarili ko bakit ako nagkakaganito.

I feel so brokenhearted because of a guy. I feel so lost because I don't have any motivation at all for my studies. Hindi ko alam saan ako pupulutin.

Kasi for sure, kotang kota na sakin yung mga kaibigan ko. Kesyo pasaway daw ako, hindi nakikinig sa mga payo nila. Pero gusto ko rin naman, kaso dehado talaga itong puso ko. Masyadong wasak para mag function ng ayos yung utak ko.

I thought I'm already okay. I honestly thought my heart is fully healed. But why am I still having panic attacks? Why am I crying over him during night time. Why do I fell so deeply to a guy na simula palang, kitang-kita ko na red flag na. Why do I let myself be broken again. Bakit ako nagpakatanga? Tangina, hindi ako magkakaganito ngayon kung iningatan ko lang yung puso ko. 

Edi sana hindi apektado yung isipan ko. My emotional and mental health are so fucked up to the point that I can't focus. Hindi ko na makilala yung sarili ko. Masyado akong nawasak dahil sa'yo, Nick.

Hindi ko na alam, pagod na pagod na pagod na ako. 

History repeats itself

Hindi ko na kayang masaktan, hindi na ulit ako susugal

Sabi nila, kapag mahal mo yung isang tao, handa kang gawin lahat, kahit pa masaktan ka. At yun nga yung ginawa ko. Pailit-ulit nalang tayo dito sa topic na ito Nissy, hindi mo parin ba tanggap na hindi na talaga pwede?

What you and Nick had already ended. Please, huwag mo na siyang iyakan, huwag ka nang masaktan. Please Nissy, magtira ka naman para sa sarili mo. Hindi ka ba napapagod umiyak?

Bakit ganon Lord? Bakit ganito ako, wala paring usad. Lord, ang sakit-sakit pa rin. Mas lalo lang lumalala. Parang hindi naman tama ito. Hindi patas para sa sarili ko.

Tangina naman Nissy, diba pinangako mo sa sarili mo na hindi ka na ulit magkakaganito? After Nicho, diba sabi mo, iingatan mo yung puso mo. Pero bakit? Bakit nauulit namaman lahat lahat? Bakit mo hinayaang masaktan ka kay Nick? Bakit mo siya minahal?

Lord, kung alam ko lang na ganito yung mangyayari, sana hindi ko nalang sinugal. Sana hindi nalang ako nakipag-usap. Sana hindi nalang siya minahal. Lord, please help me heal. Help me forget. Nahihirapan na po ako. Nakakapagod na po. Ayoko nang masaktan. Ayoko nang magmahal. Lord, ano po bang plano niyo sakin? Sa puso ko? Kailan po ba ako magiging okay? 

Sabi ko sa sarili ko, sige okay lang. People come and go. Everything happens for a reason. Healing takes time. Sometimes you have to let go of someone to find yourself. Peace over everything else. Mind over matter.

Sana nakinig nalang ako, sana hindi nalang ako naging tanga. Hirap na hirap na ako ngayon, apektado parin ako. Bakit ganito? 

Maybe You Need To Be Alone To Find Yourself Again

Hmmm, finding yourself...

At first, napaisip ako. Bakit tuwing nagbre-break up yung mga tao, yung ibang reason "kailangan ko munang hanapin yung sarili ko" until I experienced it myself. Though kinklaro ko naman na never akong nagkaroon ng relationship with anyone but siguro past connection? and the main reason why our connection ended was to focus on ourselves more.

To become the better version of ourselves

Siguro yun yung pinakakailangan ko ngayon, kasi ang tingin ko pa rin sa sarili ko, wala pang nararating, wala masyadong achievements, it feels like, hindi ko pa kayang magkaroon ng responsibilidad, at kapag nasa isang relasyon ka, hindi lang pagmamahal ang kailangan pagtuunan ng pansin, kailangan din responsible ka sa partner mo at committed kayo sa isa't-isa

At sa tingin ko, sobrang layo ko pa sa tamang panahon. I'm the type of person na naniniwala in God's perfect timing.

Now I'm writing this for myself, ngayong kalagitnaan ng madaling araw. 2:12 am... Nissy, it's okay to cry, okay lang na aminin mo sa sarili mo na mahal mo parin, na nasasaktan ka pa rin sa nangyari, pero palagi mong tatandaan na lahat ng yun, nangyari because you have to learn na hindi mo pa talaga kaya, na kailangan mo munang pagtuunan ng pansin yung sarili mo, mas ingatan mo yung puso mo, at ang huli... Kailangan mo muna talagang hanapin at mahalin yung sarili mo. 

Dear Future Self 💌

This is 2024 Nissy, writing a heartwarming message for you

You've wrote a lot of letters to people whom you care and love, but super rare lang na sulatan mo yung sarili mo. I'm sorry, past self kung lagi nalang sa iba naka-focus yung attention and focus ko. To my future self, malayo-layo pa ang journey na tatahakin ko. Marami pang challenges and difficulties na papasok sa buhay ko. Maraming decisions na kailangan pag-isipan, pagsubok na kailangan labanan, at problemang sosolusyunan.

Maraming taong pumasok sa buhay ko, pero yung iba sa kanila umalis for the better. For the sake of your peace and sanity, please let things be. May mga bagay talaga na hindi natin maco-control. The best thing we can do about it is go with the flow, at kahit hindi ko kontrolado, basta dun ako sa hindi ako mapapahamak.

Future Nissy, I actually don't know saan ba yung path ko. Magiging successful ba ako sa course ko na ito? I promised to myself mag-aaral ako this vacation but until now, wala paring usad. January 6 na, 6 days na ang nakakalipas but there's no progress at all. It feels like I'm stucked.

Para akong nakakulong at natatakot ako na makawala sa sarili kong box. Afraid of getting out of my comfort zone. But I chose this path, I chose to be in this situation. What can I do to have the willingness to study? What can I do to have a motivation?

I really do hope that you are successful, future Nissy. You know, I've done a lot of mistakes, bad decisions, that I wholeheartedly regret doing ngayong I've realized that it was all wrong. Gusto kong bumawi sa sarili ko. Future nissy, gusto kong maging proud ka sakin. Sa mga ginagawa ko para sa'yo. Gusto kong maging maganda ang buhay mo.

Sorry if right now, I feel like I'm lost and empty. I don't know why this heartbreak make me feel so... worthless. Para akong tangang umiiyak sa isang lalaki, na gabi-gabing nakikiusap sa diyos na kung sana, kung maaari lang, tulungan akong bawasan yung sakit na nararamdaman ko. Future nissy, I really do hope maging okay ka na someday. I hope you put yourself first before others. Sana mas inuuna mo yung sarili mong happiness kaysa sa ibang tao. I hope you're not a people pleaser anymore.

Sana napatawad mo na yung sarili mo. Sana maging masaya ka na sa takbo ng buhay mo. Sana mahanap mo na yung sarili mo. After all this pain, gusto ko lang na mag-heal ka na. Mentally, financially, emotionally stable.

Please future nissy, sana lahat ng sana ko, mangyari sa'yo

Dahil at the end of the day, ako lang yung kakampi mo sa magulong mundong ito.

🫂

Love Language?

Ano bang love language niyo? Words of affirmation kasi ako

Bakit nga ba sa limang love languages, words of affirmation yung napunta sakin? Simula dati palang, I love writing for my friends. Gusto ko rin yung makakareceive ako ng letters from them. Pero ang weird lang kasi kapag sa mismong parents ko nanggagaling, hindi ko alam yung mararamdaman ko. Naiilang ako, na hindi ko maintindihan.

Words of affirmation girlie ako, sobrang daldal ko kapag magsusulat ng letter, pero as an introvert person, ang tahimik ko unless kakausapin ako. Pili lang yung pagiging maingay ko. Depende pa sa situation. Depende rin sa topic. Maybe that's the reason why my circle of friends are so small.

Going back from the topic, gusto kong maramdaman ng ibang tao yung pagmamahal ko sa kanila through words. Alam niyo yun, I also like acts of service kaso I have this mindset na paano nila malalaman kung hindi ko sasabihin?

They said na actions speaks louder than words, but for me, actions without words is somehow... confusing. Kaya when someone is being nice to me, I always think of it as something na maybe, they are just naturally nice. Sa lahat ng tao, mabait talaga sila.

Hmm, siguro kaya rin masyadong malala yung trust issues ko, and overthinking thoughts. Kasi I need words, reassurance.

Saan nga ba papunta itong topic? Basta umiikot lang sa pagiging words of affirmation ko. Gets ko naman na different people, different personalities. Pero minsan napapatanong din ako sa sarili ko, kailangan ba talagang pumili ng love languages? Hindi ba pwedeng i-try na gawin lahat?

Maybe I'm too naive to experience romantic love, it's not my time yet so I won't rush things, I won't pressure myself, I won't question God's plan for me, kasi alam kong hindi pa talaga ito yung right time. Halatang-halata naman na marami pa akong kailangan baguhin at i-improve sa sarili ko, at once na mangyari lahat yun...

hinding-hindi ko na ulit hahayaang mawasak ang puso ko... :)

Kung Hindi Ikaw, Huwag Nalang

It will hurt now

In a month, it will still hurt

Maybe in years, too

But someday, you will suddenly realize

It's starting to hurt less

Maybe the hurt won't stop

But with time, you will learn to live with it

You will be okay

Memories are never truly forgotten, just stuffed somewhere in the scaffolding of your mind and ignored until triggered without warning.

As each day passes, sabi ko nga sa last blog ko, parang nagle-lessen na yung sakit. Dumadalang-dalang na yung gabing iniiyakan ko si Nik, but  that doesn't mean na okay na ako. Bigla nalang random, iiyakan ko siya, may isang random na bagay na magtrtrigger sakin na maalala yung pinagsamahan naming dalawa. How can I easily forget all of that? Loh eh kung tutuusin wala naman kami masyadong memories dalawa. But... why does it hurt so much? Why does it take too long for me na maging okay?

Bakit saming dalawa, ako yung mas nahulog, mas nagmamahal, at ngayon... mas nasasaktan?

Paano ba mag-heal? Eto yung 2nd heartbreak ko because of a guy. Yung una, kasi nag-cheat. Pero yung ngayon, yung kay Nik, ang hirap kasi natapos nang walang kung ano mang negative reason. No cheating at all. (So pinaparating mo ba nissy na mas madali kang makakamove-on kung nag-cheat siya) hindi yun, hindi sa ganon. 

Parang ang mali lang dito, mali na inumpisahan namin ito kahit na walang direction. Kahit na alam namin na for sure before college, matatapos din. Kahit na alam ko sa sarili ko na masasaktan ako, tinuloy ko parin.

Mali ako kasi nagpakatanga ako at mali siya kasi he made me confused, has a lot of mixed signals simula umpisa. Mali kami pareho.

(Isn't that enough reason para makamove-on? Yung isipin na red flag siya? Sa una lang magaling, sa una lang masaya?)

Hindi ko rin alam, maybe I'm too naive, my feelings for him was too strong, I wasn't able to control my emotions. Masyado akong naging tanga, kasi mahal ko.

There was a time na kinausap ko si Lord, Lord bakit ganito? Parang mali na ito eh. Mali na nasasaktan ako, naaapektuhan, hindi ko naman ito ginusto, pero yung papakawalan ko siya? Hindi ko rin kaya?

Bakit ganito kapag nagmamahal? Sobrang komplikado, ang hirap pala. Pero at the end of the day, ang pinakamahalaga naman dito, basta alam ko na hindi na ako magpapakatanga sa pag-ibig (oh dear, nagpakatanga ka talaga)

Siguro for just a span of time, hinayaan ako ni God na makilala siya, na malaman kung sino ba talaga siya, na mahulog at mahalin si Nik, para malaman ko kung ano ba talaga yung pakiramdam ng pagmamahal. Para kapag dumating na yung time na ready na ako, alam ko na yung gagawin ko.

Pero I know that deep inside my heart, si Nik pa rin. Tanga ka talaga Nissy. 

Ewan ko ba, mahal ko yung tao eh. Kung hindi siya, huwag nalang. Hindi na ako susugal pa.

Kakainin ko ba lahat ng mga sinabi ko ngayon? 

You are healing but the scars will remain

Small progress is still progress. Just do the next right thing. The peace that you will gain throughout this season will be worth everything that you've lost.

Let go completely, nissy. You are doing the right thing. I know it's hard for you, but someday, it will be all worth it. Everything will make sense. So habang maaga pa, mas isipin mo yung sarili mong kapakanan kaysa ibang tao. Walang mawawala sa'yo. Mahahahanap mo pa yung sarili mo.

Maybe the purpose of it all was to make yourself realize na sarili mo lang yung makakapuna ng lahat ng kulang. Sarili mo lang sapat na. Sa sarili mo makikita yung tunay mong halaga. Walang ibang tao yung makapagdidikta kung sino ka ba talaga.

Someone told me kilala mo ba yung sarili mo?

Napaisip ako, kilala ko nga ba? Siguro? Kung tatanungin nila ako, sino ba talaga ako?

Jannice, Nissy, isang taong... masipag mag-aral, achiever since young. Ano pa ba? I can't fully describe myself. Masyado kong binababa yung sarili ko. Hindi ko nga siguro kilala yung totoong ako.

Despite all of things that happened to me, natutunan ko na sa sarili ko mahahanap yung totoong pahinga, na hindi ko dapat binigay sa iba. I once turned someone into my home, my safe space. But that was a wrong move, a fucking teenage mistake. Wala na yung taong yun sa buhay ko ngayon, which made me feel unalive.

Siguro kaya ako nagkakaganito ngayon, na para bang nawalan ng kulay yung mundo ko. Nawala yung saya, yung sigla, yung totoong mga ngiti at tawa, kasi tinuring ko siyang mundo ko. Kaya ako nasasaktan ng ganito.

Maybe, it was a mistake. Mali na ganon yung naging mindset ko. Kaya apektado ako, nakadepende sakanya yung emotions ko 

At ngayon narerealize ko na, kung bakit hanggang ngayon, hindi parin ako nakakamove on. All of this started as a happy crush but I wasn't able to control my emotions or my feelings over him. Maybe I became way too obsessed. I'm deeply mad in love with that ub guy.

But it is so unhealthy nissy, you have to control it. You must control it. Lalo na ngayon, hinding-hindi mo dapat hinahayaan yung sarili mo na i-take over niya yung puso at isipan mo. Please lang nissy, mag move on ka na. Enough is enough, tama na. Don't be too fool. Matauhan ka na. 

Let it hurt until it hurt no more

Remind yourself that the more you allow yourself to feel it, the more you will heal it. Life is filled with sadness, but also filled with joy. Like every other difficult moment, this too shall pass.

Let's just try to think that everything happens for a reason. That line is kinda cliche, gasgas na gasgas na. But it's true. Sa lahat ng hindi magagandang bagay na nangyayari sakin, alam kong lahat yun may dahilan at may lesson akong matututunan.

Siguro pinaranas sakin ni Lord na sa pagmamahal, hindi laging masaya. Love is not enough to make relationships work. Though never naman naging kami in the first place, atleast natutunan ko na kung paano nga ba magmahal.

I actually don't believe myself nung naramdaman ko na, sabi ko, bakit? Masyado pang maaga. But kusa nalang darating e, hanggang sa di napipigilan. Pero it's also similar when you get hurt, basta nalang din nangyayari. At sa lahat ng naranasan ko na yun, I learned that I have to love, choose, prioritize myself before other people.

Pero kung tutuusin, itong sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon, parang naglelessen na as months passed by. Whenever I cry, hindi na gaanong kalala. Although sometimes, I do cry a looot, na magang-maga na mata ko kinabukasan, but rare nalang nangyayari yun.

I think let it hurt until it hurt no more helped me a lot. Hindi ko makakalimutan yun.

I don't know kailan ba ako fully magheheal but once that time comes, I promise to myself that I will be at my happiest. Kaya please Lord, let me heal. 

Are you indecisive?

Kaya mo bang panindigan yung mga desisyon mo sa buhay?

Hmm, ako kasi hindi. So tungkol na naman ito sakanya. Hindi ba ako nagsasawa magsulat ng tungkol sakanya? Hindi. Uhm, walang power ngayon. Tapos ang boring, nagmumuni-muni. Nissy, alam mo ba gusto ko na talaga mag-heal completely, kaso iniisip ko palang, parang hindi ko pa kaya. Kaya everyday, laging back to zero. Minahal ko ba talaga yung tao? Or am I just too overwhelmed by the fact na sinabi niya na mahal niya ako? But why can't I see nung simula palang na mali na talaga yung ginawa namin. Hindi ko man lang iningatan yung puso ko. Sabi ko dati, I won't let myself go through all of it all over again, but unfortunately, nangyari. Now, I'm questioning all of my life choices and decisions. Tama ba yung mga ginawa ko? 

Pero sa kabilang banda, ginusto ko naman lahat kahit alam kong simula umpisa palang, masasaktan na agad ako. Siguro, hindi ko masyadong naisip yung sarili ko. Hindi ko naisip yung consequences nung mga desisyon ko. I admit that I'm not mature enough to handle things, specifically commitments and romantic relationships, but I chose to risk it. Kahit na alam naming parehas na hindi kami ready.

Ngayon ko lang na-realize na saming dalawa, simula una palang, ako yung talo. Sobrang dehado. Hinayaan ko lang yung sarili kong mahulog, hanggang sa hindi ko na napigilan, e mas lalong lumala, hanggang sa hindi na ako makawala. At hanggang ngayon, itong nararamdaman ko, hindi parin nawawala.

Damn Nissy, a lot of months has passed, hindi pa rin ako okay. Every night, every damn night, I always question myself, do I regret all those things? Do I regret risking it all? Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, isa raw akong backburner, tanga, martyr na hindi ko naman maitatanggi. Nissy, akala ko ba hindi mo na hahayaan yung sarili mo na mag-beg? Na hindi ka na ulit magse-settle for less? But why did you chose that path? Bakit mo piniling mag-stay sa isang taong walang ibang ginawa kundi paiyakin ka gabi-gabi, who made you question your worth, your value. Why did you chose to be hurt over and over again? Bakit pinili mong magpakatanga?

At bago matapos ang taon, nagpasalamat ka pa. Sabi mo nirerespect mo siya. Paano naman yung sarili mo? Yung puso mo? You've had countless panic and anxiety attacks because of him, hanggang ngayon ipagsasawalang bahala mo parin ba?

Please Nissy, panindigan mo na yung decision mong magmomove-on ka na, huwag ka nang magpakatanga sa lalaking hindi ka deserve, huwag mong hahayaan yung sarili mo na magsettle for less, you deserve better, no... You deserve the best. I know you love him, you're willing to sacrifice for him, but please, mag-iwan ka naman ng pagmamahal at respeto sa sarili mo, huwag mong uubusin yung sarili mo. Kasi kitang-kita dito na ikaw yung dehado. Please Nissy, I know it's difficult for you to move on, lalo na sobrang sentimental mo sa memories niyong dalawa. Please don't hold on, it will make things more difficult for you.

Please, mahalin at piliin mo naman yung sarili mo.

To The Guy Whom I Love The Most

     But how could I not love you when you turned my whole life around, made me feel alive, and sparked something inside of me I had never felt before?

"sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we've lost"

A  random time of the day wherein the only thought that is occurring inside of my mind is him, only him. Will I be able to get over from him? I don't know. Some say I should try to forget him, to move on from him. No looking back, just moving forward. Hmmm, that's what they say. But I know in myself that healing takes time, it is a process, and until now, I'm just embracing all the sadness, and letting myself think that I will be able to let it all go someday, once na maging ready na ako. Maybe right now, I am hurting, but that means that I am capable of loving him, unconditionally. I don't regret everything, every memory with him was full of happy emotions. Am I too fool if I continue loving Nik even from afar? Even if I am hurting so much? Hmm, 18 years old Nissy, you are so in love with a guy na emotionally unavailable. But what can you do? Loving him was complicated, but it felt so true. My feelings for him were pure genuine love. I don't know what I'm saying right now, but please Nissy, you have to learn to choose yourself, you have to learn the art of letting go. Please, I don't want you to get hurt again and again. Choose yourself always. Make yourself a priority.