I Loved You, It Ruined My Life

 Out of all Taylor Swift's songs, I relate to the Fortnight the most

Today is July 1st, MONDAY. Before I start writing on this blog entry of mine, I promise to myself na this will be the last time I will be writing to this blog na tungkol kay nwvm. Kaya ko naisip na magsulat ngayon, kaninang madaling araw I can't fall asleep, so I decided to read everything dito sa blog ko and most of it was about him. Nabasa ko yung mga past thoughts ko dati about sakanya and after that, oh fudge naaawa ako sa sarili ko. 

Sa lahat ng napagdaanan ko, kahit ano mang maling desisyon yung nagawa ko, hindi ko deserve na maramdaman lahat ng yun. Walang kahit sinong may deserve. After all that I've been through, masyado akong nag-beg, masyado kong binaba yung sarili ko, masyado ko siyang minahal to the point na ubos na ubos na ako. Hindi ko na talaga makilala yung sarili ko non, at hindi ko na gugustuhing maranasan yun ulit. 

Haaay Lord, hindi ko pa talaga kaya yung mga ganitong love, kasi grabe pala talaga ako magmahal. Hindi si nissy yon, ibang persona ko yon.

Yung totoong nissy, dapat laging sarili yung pinipili. Hindi masamang maging selfish minsan miss nissy, you have to make your walls and your boundaries higher, you should not let other people take advantage of your kindness.

Yeah, I admit it hindi naman ako nagbabait-baitan dito, syempre may atraso din ako sa mga taong nanakit sa'kin, wala na akong magagawa pa, wala na naman sila sa buhay ko para isipin ko pa 'di ba?

Hindi ko na gugustuhin pang makita sila, lalo na si Nick. I guess the feeling is mutual, he don't want to associate with me anymore as far as I can remember. Maybe para na rin sa ikapapayapa ng lahat, mas mabuti pang isipin ko nalang na never ko siyang nakilala kasi masyado akong nawasak dahil sakanya.

My Girlies

I don't talk much about them here on my blog, sooo this blog is specially made for my girlies :)

April 12, 2024

Sa kanilang apat, si Yuan talaga yung una kong nakilala kasi kaklase niya si Ann (my friend from wonders) nung shs kami. Tapos si Jayn, same school lang din nung shs na kaklase ni miel (my friend from wonders) but never ko nakita si jayn sa LaCo during my shs days so I don't know her. Si Shia lang yung ibang school. Yung pagiging friends namin, nag-start lang sa simpleng sabay-sabay araw-araw sa pagpasok since day 1 hanggang sa nasanay na kami sa isa't isa.

Alam mo ba nissy, nung umpisa, natatakot talaga ako na lumipat sa new school kasi new environment tapos I met these girlies, and they made my 1st year of college life so bearable.

Sa kanilang apat, hindi ko maitatanggi na makita yung sarili ko sa isa sa kanila, at yun ay kay yuan. It's like same personality talaga kami in a way na hindi ko ma-explain, nafe-feel ko lang talaga.

Tapos si Jayn and Shia yung nagpapasaya kasi sila yung mga energetic lagi tapos parang mga aso't pusa na minsan hindi nagkakasundo.

Syempre hindi rin naman maiiwasan na magkatampuhan minsan, oh damn naalala ko dati gusto ko na matapos school year kasi nagkatampuhan kami dati HAHAHAHAH.

Looking back sa lahat ng mga na-experience ko kasama sila, it's nice na I found my peace within them.

Last Day Of June 2024

 June 30, 2024

    This month for me is like a rollercoaster of emotions. Ang dami kong natutunan at napagtanto, and most of it is related sa love.

June 1, sabi ko dito sa blog ko, payapang puso at isipan. Wala nang atras-abante. Hindi ko gugugulin ang buong bakasyon ko kakaisip na I should have done better. Bale ang nasa isip ko lang talaga ay gusto ko nang makawala sa nakaraan. Until the conflict happened nga and that incident was the reason kung bakit bigla akong namulat sa realidad. 

Everything that happened to me for the past 10 months has eventually lead me to where I am right now. Ang dami kong nagawang katangahan, mga bagay na kung iisipin ko ngayon, sobra kong pinagsisisihan. But I promise to myself na kapag may dumating man ulit, hindi ko na hahayaan yung sarili ko na mawasak. Sa dami ko ba namang napagdaanan, syempre natuto na ako.

In terms of my advanced studying, nitong nakaraang linggo lang ako nagsimula. May kaunting knowledge na ako about the basics ng python and Java. Oh my, hindi ko alam paano ko aaralin yung java kasi ang dami kong nakikita na yung mga maaalam daw mag-java, kahit sila mismo nahihirapan mag-explain on how it actually works.

So nissy, July na bukas. Please make your vacation more productive. I know you want to chill and just relax, pero I hope you still try to study since ikaw din yung makakapag-benefit once you do that.

Ano pa bang pwede kong i-kuwento? Matagal-tagal na since kumausap ako ng tao, oh dear, hindi na ako masyadong maalam makipag-socialize. How can I possibly talk to other people sa pasukan? Same blockmates pa rin kaya? May madadagdag ba sa mga kaklase ko? Marami bang mababawas? Kaklase ko pa rin kaya siya? o nag-shift na siya sa crim? Ay hala ka nissy ha, loh nakamove on na ako, pero somehow nacucurious ako. Anyway wala na akong masabi. 

So ang goal ko sa July ay sana, more peace of mind at makapag-aral talaga ng oop. Oh dear, goodluck talaga sa 2nd year, balita ko parang mahirap talaga 1st sem ng 2nd year huhu I'm scared. I don't want to pressure myself but please nissy, I just want to tell you na no matter what happen, I'm so so proud of you for trying your best. Please huwag mo nang pagdudahan yung sarili mo. Huwag mong maliitin yung kakayahan mo. Kayang-kaya mo 'yan. Nakakaya ng ibang tao, masipag kang tao kaya alam kong magagawa mo rin yan! Please don't be discouraged or dissapointed when things don't go your way. Please always look at the positive side.

Hmmm, ano pa ba? Haaay, alam mo ba, ang bilis talaga ng panahon. Sa lahat ng mga buwan sa isang taon, July at August yung pinaka hindi ko gusto. Kasi parang bumabalik lahat ng ayaw ko nang balikan pa. Pero don't worry, hindi na ako magpapaapekto, matatag na itong heart ko! One reason din kung bakit hate ko ang july at august ay dahil it is a sign na malapit na talaga ang pasukan! Kahit anong boring ngayong bakasyon (omg isingit ko lang na shems ang nagpapasaya sakin ngayon bakasyon ay panonood ng running man ph) ayun nga, kahit ang boring boring, hindi ko gugustuhing ma-stress na naman at magpasukan. Pwede bang patigilin muna ang oras? 

Currently 1:12 pm, nakikinig ng August by Taylor Swift. Iniisip ko lang yung kantang yon eh, bigla ba namng tumugutog kahit na naka-shuffle.

Wala nang tumatakbo sa isip ko, at wala na rin akong maisip pa na gawin. So sign na talaga ito na mag-aaral ako ng oop ng Java sa netbeans. Iniisip ko palang, feeling ko hindi ko na maiintindihan. HUHU mas gusto ko nalang na magsulat dito sa blog ko kesa mag-aral.

Ngayong sinusulat ko na talaga lahat ng nasa isip ko at wala akong itnitirang kahit isang thoughts, parang na-blanko na ang aking utak. Siguro nakakatulong itong blog ko na ito para mabawasan ang aking overthinking moments kasi napipiga talaga mga thoughts ko sa utak eh.

Alam mo ba nissy, kapag kumakausap ako sa mga tao, naiilang ako tumingin sa kanilang eyes, tapos once na magka-eye contact, para akong mags-stutter tapos I don't know what will I say. Tapos in terms of talking to my parents, we never had a convo at all, which makes me feel bad as a daughter kasi, I can't;t easily communicate well. Hindi ko masabi yung thoughts ko kasi growing up, hindi ko sila masyadong nakakasama kasi lagi silang nasa work, though I understand it naman kung bakit sila nagtratrabaho-- to provide something for us. But I can't help to wonder, what if sa paglaki ko, na-witness nila yung kung ano nga ba talaga ako. They don't know my personality, and I don't know theirs. It feels like, we're strangers and nafefeel bad ako for feeling that way kasi I am their daughter to begin with.

Also, with my friends na hindi ko na naca-catch up. I don't know what's going on with their lives anymore. I'm struggling to keep up with my own life to the point na hindi ko na sila nakakamusta.

Haaay nissy, why is living life so difficult ngayong nag-gro-grow up na tayo?

My OT6 Forever

Nagkaroon ako ng blog about my beloved cup of joe, but few days ago, nabalitaan ko na mababawasan sila ng isa

It feels like a deja vu, kasi naging fan din ako dati ng band din. Diba I also told dito sa blog ko na ito na my music taste is moslty band songs. Dati, nagkaroon ako ng phase na kung saan I always listen to day6 songs. It was during February 2021. However, nag-enlist yung mga members kaya parang naging inactive ako. Hanggang sa may nangyaring issue dun sa isang member, tapos nung time na yon nasa military pa yung isa ding member, so domino effect na bakit yung k-band na ini-stan ko, nabawasan ng isang member? 

And few days ago, nangyari din sa Cup Of Joe, Raph Severino left Cup Of Joe, although I don't exactly know the exact reason, pero yung pag-alis niya, talagang ikinalungkot ko.

Honestly, since si Gian and Rapha yung vocalist ng Cup of Joe, sakanila mostly yung focus ng mga tao. I admit, kahit ako. But I love them  as a group. Sa lahat ng opm artists, sila yung pinaka sinusuportahan ko, and knowing na nabawasan nga, nakakalungkot na hindi ko sila nakita in person nang kumpleto. 

In the future kaya, fan pa rin ba nila ako? Makikita ko kaya sila? Makikinig ko kaya ng live yung mga kanta nila? I don't know the exact reason why I love them and their songs, maybe because yung mga kanta nila is masyadong lively, and the fact na banda nga sila, malakas talaga ang impact sakin. I don't know why I'm fond of band songs, pero hindi naman kailangan ng dahilan para magustuhan yung isang bagay diba? Haaay Cup Of Joe, i love them with all my life! 

I Did It Once, I Can Do It Again

Sa paglaon ng panahon, muling makakabangon at makakaahon

You can never hate me more than I hate myself for the things I’ve done, and that’s a burden I carry every day.

I know I've done a lot of wrong decisions and choices in life these past months. Maraming taong naapektuhan, pero hindi ko rin maitatanggi na halos hindi ko na talaga makilala yung sarili ko, kasi I was different, I am losing myself, and I don't know what I'm doing. Hindi ko ma-control yung actions ko, lalo yung feelings ko kaya naapektuhan yung mga tao sa paligid ko and I regret it all. Lahat ng pagkakamali ko, hindi ako proud sa mga mali na nagawa ko. 

I don't honestly know kung paano ako makakabawi, but the only sure things that I know is that, hindi na maibabalik yung dati. May mga taong dapat ko nang kalimutan, and that's completely okay. That's part of growing up.

After self-isolation for more than 1 week, I realized that healing comes within. Hindi ko dapat hinahanap sa ibang tao yung heal na gusto kong makamit sa sarili ko. Kasi ako lang naman yung makakatulong sa sarili ko, kasi ako na ito oh. Sa lahat ng tao, si nissy ang pinakanakakakilala kay nissy. 

Maybe when the right time comes, makakaahon na talaga ako, magiging buo na ulit ako. Pero ngayong mga panahong ito, sinusubukan kong patawarin yung sarili ko, because I know in myself na kaya ko ito nararanasan, consequence ito sa lahat ng mga bagay na nagawa ko in the past.

One person told me that, let them handle their own thing. Tapos yung sarili kong struggle, ako na yung bahala dito, kayang-kaya ko naman ito lagpasan, sus, ako pa ba? Eh ako na ito oh! 

Kaya nissy, you just have to let things go, hayaan mo na yung past, focus on what you can do right now, at yun ay ang... You have to learn to forgive yourself. 

Nagawa mo na ito dati, makakaahon ka ulit ngayon! : )

A Lot Of Things Could Possibly Be Changed Within A Year

This was me exactly a year ago, nissy 2023

nissy 2024

Nung mga panahong 'yan, birthday nung cousin ko. Every year, may photobooth kaya may copy ako nung photo ko last year. Last June 2023, bakasyon ko. A girlie na walang kamalay-malay kung ano bang aabutin niya sa collge life niya. Past Nissy, if only I could talk to you right now directly, I wish I can tell you na sana stay happy. Huwag mong masyadong seryosohin ang life. This present nissy right now is currently struggling on everything that is going on with my life. Just like you, wala akong kamalay-malay sa magiging takbo ng 2nd year ko as BSIT College Student. Sabi nila, stressful daw ang 1st Sem ng 2nd year, balitaan kita in the future. I hope you're proud of what I am becoming. I am trying to grow and be better everyday. 

1st year nissy ay nangangapa talaga nung una. I always remember how much I struggle and overthink about my outputs regarding programming. Iniiyakan ko pa dati yung flowchart at looping na kung tutuusin, ang basic lang pala ngayon. I hope yung mga iiyakan kong subjects sa 2nd year, as time goes by, masanay at maunawaan ko rin. Alam mo ba, ang ginagawa ko these past few days, nag-aaral ng python and slight java, and na-realize ko na halos same-same fundamentals lang naman, may similarity ng konti sa structure, but all in all, may nakikita akong common denominator.

How To Cope?

If I could only tell my friends what I feel right now, will they be able to understand me? 

Hmmm, pare-parehas kaming may pinagdadaanan in life, how can I tell them na I am currently losing myself? I feel like ang sama-sama kong tao sa nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko, is it too exaggerated? I don't know my mind is too chaotic. 

Nagmahal lang naman ako, pero mali yung paraan ko ng pagmamahal. Because it ruined me, it ruined us. 

If only I could predict na ganito pala yung mangyayari, hindi na sana ako nagkaroon ng attraction sakanya during shs days which lead me to where I am right now. Now I am regretting that I fell in love with him. Everything was a mess. I am currently a mess.

I thought once I get over from him, tapos na. Nakalaya na ako sa mga pagkakamaling desisyon na nagawa ko sa buhay. But mali ako ng akala, minumulto ako ng nakaraan, may mga bagay ako na nagawa na hindi ko na kaya pang balikan. 

And the worst thing that is happening to me right now is that, hindi ko magawang maipaglaban yung sarili ko, kasi alam ko rin naman sa sarili kong ako yung mali dito. 

Pero nasasaktan din naman ako, paano ba kapag ganito? 

Move forward and never look back.

Me Against The World

 Ay nissy, grabe naman yung against the world, siguro some people lang ganon. 

Nagci-circulate na naman yung nangyari na conflict between me and nwvm, wala naman akong magawa kasi hindi ko alam saan ako mag-uumpisa na humingi ng pasensya. I mean inaamin ko naman na sobra akong nakaabala, pero yung word na perwisyo na sakanila mismo nanggaling, first time kong marinig na sabihan ako ng ganon. 

To make the long story short, yes I stalked nwvm friend, pero mali yung kuwento nila na female friends because God knows na si tgm lang yung kilala ko sa mga kaibigan niya. Si artwork girlie lang, na alam itong blog ko at mainly nag-usap kami because of her thread post about me na she wants me to enjoy life and heal. Honestly, on my perspective, maayos naman yung pag-uusap naming dalawa. I genuinely felt na she's nice, at hindi ako nakaramdam ng kahit anong negative feeling towards her. 

About my tweet that nwvm saw, I don't remember it that much pero alam ko namang mali na sinabihan ko siyang walang EQ. Oo, inaamin ko na mali ko yun, and I know I owe him an apology, which I did, I texted him last time on sms. 

That sums it all up, naka-perwisyo daw ako at nakita ni nwvm yung tweets ko, at nagagalit siya sakin ngayon. I don't know what to feel, gusto kong ibaba yung sarili ko at humingi ng paumanhin sa mga nagawa ko, but I know things will be more complicated once I do that.

I never thought someone like him will get mad at me, and it's because of my actions na kung tutuusin, kaya ko lang naman ginawa, kasi masyadong na overpower ng feelings ko yung utak ko.

At marami ng tao ang nadamay at nag-iba ang tingin sa'kin.

Kailan ba ako makakaahon nito?

Reasons Why I feel Like I'm Not Yet Ready

I don't personally see myself as someone with a romantic relationship...

Maybe because of the things that I've experienced in the past, at sa mga naranasang kong 'yun, naramdaman kong ang dami kong mali na hindi ko dapat ginagawa, and what if I chose to take another risk, and this time yung may commitment na? Hindi ko naman gugustuhing mawasak ulit.

Kanina, umalis kami nila mama at papa. First time 'yun. Hindi ko alam kung bakit when I'm around them, laging tikom bibig ko. I don't talk unless kakausapin ako. Buong byahe nakapikit lang ako, or kaya nakatingin sa maraming clouds. Tapos may kasabayan kaming airplane kanina. Natapos ang buong kanta ng "On The Wings Of Love" at kasabayan pa rin namin yung eroplano sa kalangitan hanggang sa may dumaang malaking alapaap kaya nawala yung eroplano. Ang random noh? At dahil wala na akong pinagmamasdan, pumikit nalang ako. Nag-isip ng kung anu-ano tapos bigla kong naisipan, "what if new topic sa blog ko ay about sa reasons kung bakit takot ako mag-commit/hindi pa ako ready?" 

And here we go! Let's start! 

Reason #1. I was cheated, my trust issues evolved. Uunahin ko dito yung paglilista ng mga naka-fling ko or MU? Like same kami ng feeling or naka-interest ko. Three people to be exact. 2 guys and 1 girl. Yung first guy, he cheated, ghosted, and his friend bodyshamed me. First guy was my puppy love. But he traumatized me so damn much. 

Reason #2. I was blinded by love. I can't control what I feel. Yung 2nd guy, yes I admit he's nice and friendly. I know it's all just a fling, a canon event between 2 highschool students who were just naive. But I was too blinded, kahit alam kong mali, tinuloy ko pa rin i-risk knowing na it won't last till the end.

Reason #3. I tend to always isolate. I can't handle platonic relationships. What more pa kaya sa romantic? Ang dami kong lowest point tapos everytime nararanasan ko yun, wala akong ibang ginagawa kundi mag-deactivate/hindi gumamit ng social media. Ang mangyayari, hindi na ako makakapag-catch up, matagal akong nawawala.

Reason #4. Madali akong ma-distract, lalo kapag in-love. Sobra ko itong naranasan kay 2nd guy. He was my biggest distraction during finals on my SHS days (ngayon ko lang ito aaminin). Masyado akong nagpakachill non, mas pinili kong magpakasaya at ma-distract non basta siya yung dahilan.

Reason #5. Building my career and myself first. Ayaw kong magkaroon ng seryosong ka-relasyon sa age ko na ito. 19 years old is still young for me. I think hindi ko kayang mag-handle ng relationship kasi feeling ko masyado akong naive at immature. Too young and no experience at all. 

Reason #6. I can't easily distinguish if I'm inlove or just infatuated. Napapaisip tuloy ako kung nagmahal na ba ako nang totohanan. Puro crush lang talaga naranasan ko so it's like admiration and attraction lang but in those three people that I liked, minahal ko ba o gusto lang? I don't know, how can we tell? Ngayon kasing naka-move on na ako sa kanila, hindi ko na maalala yung naramdaman ko during them. But based on my past blogs, I loved 2nd guy. But my heart is finally free, I don't feel anything anymore.

I guess that's all! Marami pa siguro but for now, ayan muna. 

Kaya nissy, sarili at career muna ha? : )

Doing Everything Just To Lessen The Boredom

 I don't exactly remember kung kailan ba nag-start yung summer vacation, I think it's almost a month?

    Hmmm, these past few days, ever since nangyari yung incident which keeps me away from SocMeds, ang tanging ginagawa ko lang ay manood ng random movies at vlogs sa YouTube. Napanood ko na yung Matilda tapos yung 16 wishes. I also watch Kryz Uy's vlog! She's going to pop soon! I can't wait for little cute to come out. Pinapanood ko rin yung random vlog ni Alex Gonzaga. Sobrang random talaga as in. Tapos tambay sa TikTok at YouTube Shorts na puro pagkain yung laman at a day in the life of Yale and Harvard yung nakikita ko sa YouTube. Sa tiktok naman, halu-halo yung content nung videos. Maituturing ba na social media yung dalawang 'yun?

    Sa point na ito ng aking life, ayaw kong makipag-socialize sa mga tao. Pero ang boring naman kasi kung magdo-doomscrolling lang ako magdamag. Tapos pagdating ng gabi, hirap ako makatulog. Nakasanayan ko na kasi mag-IG at mag-twitter.

    Nanonood din ako sa YouTube ng motivational videos tapos minsan yung algorithm puro tungkol sa IT stuffs, oh edi na-pressure na naman ako kasi hindi pa ako masyadong nag-aaral na sabi ko before summer break mag-aaral ako hahahaha. 

    Ayun lang naman ang ganap ko ngayong bakasyon, so kailan ba ako sisipagin? Balita ko ay mahirap daw ang Cisco, at yung Netbeans na sabi ni kuya ay mahirap daw, jusko po, hindi ko pa nasisimulan kasi honestly, tinatamad ako.

    Alam mo ba Nissy, ang tingin ko talaga dati sa mga IT ang tinapos, tagabantay sa Computer shop, tagalagay ng tempered sa phone, tapos taga-ayos ng mga cellphone, mga hacker din. Not until I experienced it myself. Oh dear, ang hirap pala ng pinagdadaanan ng IT students. 

Future Nissy, ano kayang mangyayari sa'yo in the future?

My Side Of The Story

Nissy "the misunderstood girlie"

Before anything else, this will be the last blog explaining EVERYTHING about my situation these past 10 months. 

I don't exactly know where to begin. Natapos lahat ng kung ano mang connection namin nung past situationship ko nung katapusan ng August. August 26, 2023 to be exact. Past Nissy was a mess. Syempre nasanay na siya kay nwvm tapos mawawala, ilang araw ding hindi makausap, walang gana kumain. Literal na parang heartbroken talaga. Well, her mistake was she loved him way too much and loving him during that time was destroying her so much. Ngayon na binabalikan ko, oh damn naaawa ako sa sarili ko.

Matagal kong pinag-isipan na i-unfollow si nwvm sa socmeds, specifically IG and Twitter. Yung sa twitter, I think around December. Yung sa IG, April 05, miss tgm's exact birthday.

I've known tgm around December because I just knew it. Girl instincts kumbaga. I admit I always visits her account, or in layman's term, yes, I stalked her. And that's when I knew it, may something talaga.

Since alam kong may nangyayari na nga, I tried to distract myself, naghanap ako ng crush (which was a wrong move). And that's when I had a crush on this girl classmate of mine, na medyo boyish, hindi pala medyo, kasi she's not straight and during that time, my feelings were carried away, I fell for her charming looks, she was also so nice to me but she made me confused at the same time kasi bakit sa lahat ng tao, sa isang babae pa ako nagkagusto? And because of that, I made a spoken word poetry that mainly focuses on her, because I want her to know that I like her.

However, things didn't turned out very well as I've told it to my past blog. She showed her true colors, nung una, may nakita ako sa kanyang kakaiba kaya ako humanga, mahusay sa recitation, naipaglalaban yung side sa debate, matalino siya kung naka-focus lang talaga siya, ibang-iba talaga siya nung una ko siyang nakilala. Eventually, we've become friends. She even went to my house 2 times. And there's like specific na nangyari kaya ko narealize na fudge, I've fallen for her. But volleyball was always her priority, and ofcourse, finding a lover kaya laging wala sa klase, hindi masyadong natulong sa groupings. So it's like, if I'm going to like someone, I want that person to be academically inclined, not saying he/she should be smart, but just masipag lang at hindi napapabayaan ang pag-aaral. 

Fast forward to the Christmas Vacation, syempre dahil hindi nagwork yung crush ko kay volleyball girlie, it feels like pinaglalaruan ako ng emotions ko. Nwvm still likes my stories, he even greeted me both on Christmas and New Year, I know he's just being nice, but him being nice was destroying me again, bumalik na naman ako sa cycle kasi yung akala kong naka-move on na ako, hindi pa pala. Yung simpleng pagpaparamdamn niya, hindi nakatulong sa'kin, bumalik na naman lahat, nawasak na naman ulit ako. 

Fast forward to mid February, nagkaroon naman ako ng attraction kay dimples guy. It's like 5% crush lang kasi ang talino niya, and he's cute but I don't want to have any conflict kasi may past situation siya sa isang girl na ka-close ko. And that girl is so so nice to me kaya yung 5% crush na 'yun, after 1-3 days, nawala na agad. 

However, going back to volleyball girlie, she's being nice to me again and I want to stay away from her, to not associate myself with her anymore, kasi mali, sobrang mali na na-attach ako sakanya dati, na nagkagusto ako around December knowing na I'm not yet fully healed. 

Nung February, medyo payapa na ang aking heart kasi sobrang focused lang ako sa acads, at kung magkaka-crush man, yung panandalian lang para hindi ako gaanong ma-attach. Yung mga nagiging crush ko, puro officers sa ROTC na saka ko lang nagiging crush tuwing sabado.

During February to March, parang wala na akong pakealam talaga kay nwvm, but when he sometimes likes my stories, parang may something na trigger talaga but hinahayaan ko nalang. Not until I saw his IG story nung birthday ni tgm. It felt like nanginig ako. I know there's nothing wrong with his caption, but why do it felt like bumabalik na naman ako sa dati? Bakit bumalik na naman ako sa cycle na atras abante. I genuinely thought I already moved forward, hindi ko na siya naiisip, but that one IG story made me breakdown, ang dami kong tanong sa isip nung time na yon. It may be too dramatic, I know, but I can't control my feelings and actions because alam kong may something nga. 

Parang bumalik yung trauma ko, because before nwvm, there was a guy na nagbigay sakin ng malaking trauma na hanggang ngayon dala-dala ko pa rin. Hindi ko alam pero nung time na yon, I had no choice but to unfollow him. Matagal ko nang hinohold-back yon, kasi gusto ko i-prove sa sarili ko na healthy yung mindset ko, na kaya kong magmove on ng mutuals parin kami. 

It was april nung nangyari yun, saktong birthmonth ko pa talaga. There was this one person, who helped me get through it, she was the one who suggested na I should unfollow him. But we're not currently talking, I don't know what happened sana maintindihan niya na di lang talaga ako nag-iinitiate ng convo and I tend to self-isolate lahat, but I'm glad that she is my close friend. Shout out aye! I know you won't be able to read this, but I'm really thankful for being the one who always listens. Well, I don't know if okay na ba sila ni dhea, but kahit ano naman I'm happy for her, as long as she's happy.

Anyway, going back, after that unfollowing and umabot sa point na I blocked him, I admit I want to know his ganap sa buhay. At dito na papasok sa story si tgm. Yung hunch na nararamdaman ko dati, during that time, I know it was all true. It turns out they are bff, a duo. Since I stalked her, I always knew she has thread account, at matagal na naman akong may threads so I frequently visits her, and I feel like she knew that someone is stalking her, and that someone is me.

Fast forward, last June 2, I saw her pinned thread, about healing and enjoying life, that is specifically and purposely posted for me because it has strawberry emoji, and I knew in myself na it was me because my ig account has highlight that has a strawberry emoji on it. May cloud emoji din which is my bio on threads.

So we talked, I replied on her thread, tapos she made things clear to me na there was an attraction nga between her and nwvm but never daw lumagpas don and I was like damn! I knew it since the beginning, hindi ako nagkakamali. Ang weird lang na instead of hurting, she gave me so much peace of mind and I owe her for that. Though at first I was intimated by her kasi yung thread posts niya halos tungkol kay nwvm and sometimes parang gusto niyang sabihin sakin indirectly na she's so close to him. There was also one time nung sinabi niya yung twt account niya so as a curious girlie, I searched her account and that's when I knew everything on her side of the story.

I don't know kung saan na ba umiikot ito, but all I want to say is that, tgm is a nice girl, and I'm glad that I was able to talk to her for just a short span of time.

So this is where the conflict happens, few days ago, nalaman ko na may nang-stalk ng twitter account ko, which is 0 followers at Cup of Joe lang naman yung finofollow ko. As miss tgm told me, nakarating daw kay nwvm yung tweet ko about him being red flag and no emotional intelligence, na pinakita niya sa ate niya at sa pinsan niya which is i know si c.e.m 'yon. During that time, I don't know what to feel, maybe full of guilt because I hurt him by my choice of word. But during naman our situationship days? I don't know what to call kasi never naging kami. I feel like there's been always a tall wall between us. I barely knew nwvm, but the question here is bakit ko siya minahal despite not knowing everything about him? After nga nung natapos kami, ang daming tanong na pumasok sa isip ko. "Pampalipas oras lang ba ako?", "backburner ba ako?", "Am i not good enough kaya niya tinapos ito?" Ang daming beses na gusto kong tapusin na but I'm holding back because I don't want to let him go. But hindi pa kami natatapos, nawawasak na pala ako. I was crying every damn night, questioning my self worth kasi bakit I'm always waiting for him? 

And that's when I knew it, siya yung sumisira ng mental health ko. 

Emotionally unavailable, the right word that perfectly describes him but he's struggling also mentally, so I get it, so it was like, we're both struggling and being together ang makakasira sa aming dalawa. 

Going back, ang pinagtataka ko lang, sinong mutual namin yung nang-stalk ng account ko sa twitter? At ipinarating pa kay nwvm, I admit kasalanan ko yun, na nasabi ko yun, but damn, twitter was my safe place, sometimes hindi ko rin naman masyadong mine-mean yung tweets ko. Kaya lang naman ako nagtwitwitter kasi masyadong maikli yung attention span ko pag manonood ng movie so batak ako mag retweet at mag tweet ng random things.

But the damage has been done, at sira na ang tingin nila sa'kin. But nasira na din ang tiwala ko sa mga tao. A lot of people probably saw that tweet of mine na hindi ko naman talaga matandaan kung kailan ko ba nasabi yon but during this moment of my life, I feel like ang dami ng taong iba yung tingin sa'kin, and it's all because of that fucking mistake that I've done na hindi ko na maitatama kasi hindi ko rin naman alam kung kanino at hanggang saan umabot yung tweet na yon.

At ngayon, I deactivated my socmeds and I can't even open my twitter anymore because it's too traumatizing for me. Everything was too exhausting and draining, I don't like to associate with those people anymore, especially nwvm. But miss tgm, she's a great and wise girl, she deserves the best. I hope she heals from everything lalo na sa archi past niya. At kahit naman hindi na okay yung tingin ni nwvm sakin, the fact that he suffers from depression, concerns me. But I know he's in a good hands, may tgm naman siya and other friends, family, and therapist who supports him.

Anyway, I never expected to be in this kind of situation wherein I don't know who to trust anymore. Posting on social media has a lot of consequences, and I am facing those right now. I'm afraid of people, I feel like they're judging me based on what they saw.

Ang dami kong gustong kalimutan, kung pwede lang sana, edi matagal ko nang ginawa. The feeling that I'm feeling towards nwvm halo-halo na but the good thing here is, after all that I've been through, parang namanhid na ako. Nawalan na ako ng pake. The love is all gone. I don't like anyone else right now, at matatagalan siguro itong pagkamanhid ko kasi pagod na pagod na ako.

Masyado lang nasisira yung buhay ko. Yung payapa sa isip at puso ko, damn yun lang yung gusto ko ngayon. Hindi ko na gugustuhing mawasak ulit sa maling tao. Sapat na lahat ng pinaranas sakin ng universe kaya natauhan na talaga ako.

How I Met My Beloved Cup Of Joe

 Salamat, estranghero <3

    Hmmm, all started because of that song. Bigla kasing sumikat yung kanta na 'yon sa tiktok tapos na-curious ako kasi I personally like bands, yun ang music taste ko.    

    Naging fan ako dati ng The Juans and Day6, dun ko na-realize na I'm into bands. I think nag start yung pakikinig ko sa Cup Of Joe around August 2022, medyo gine-gatekeep ko pa sila non pero lagi kong bukambibig mga kanta nila sa mga kaibigan ko and I'm glad na they are getting the recognition that they deserve right now. Oh my, rapha's voice ay sobrang sarap pakinggan.

    Currently listening to misteryoso pero kung ako ang tatanungin, top five favorites ko ay unang-una, Sagada, Tingin, Misteryoso, Mananatili, at Bukod-Tangi. Ang ganda ng mga kanta nila, kailan ko kaya sila makikita?

    Pero dati, napakinggan ko na yung song nila na Nag-iisang muli. Na-discover ko lang din sa liked songs ko sa spotify. Oh dear, June 2021, how come I don't know them before :<

    Nung mga panahong 'yan ay nasa day6 phase pa ako pero ngayon ay I'm not into k-band songs na. More on OPM! 

The Backstory of Wonder Pets

A blog that is especially made for my best kind of people.

    To my wonders, also known as wonder pets, it just happened that one day, bigla nalang nabuo. Nakilala namin ang isa't isa nung grade 7, parehas kami ng section but si Miel, I've known her since kinder. Classmates kami hanggang grade 7. Ann and Van, I met those two sa LaCo.

    I admit wala akong gaanong memory with them during our 7th grade days, literal na blanko yung memory ko. But one thing is for sure, kami ni Miel yung laging duo nung time na yun. Tapos ka-close naman namin ng slight si Ann, while Van had a different circle.

    Hanggang sa nag-grade 8, napahiwalay si Miel and Ann sa aming dalawa ni Van. Silang dalawang girlies yung mag-kaklase, and kami naman ni Van. During 8th grade, syempre adjustment is real kasi new classmates na naman. And I was in the first section so expected na brainy ang mga bago kong kaklase. Ang mga nakasama ko nung mga paunang month ay yung mga napalipat din sa first section na kaklase ko nung 7th grade. Dun nagsimula yung pagiging close namin ni Van. Hanggang sa nag-grade 9, 10, 11, 12 at si Van ay kaklase ko pa rin kaya iba rin talaga yung kung paano niya ako kilala kasi he knows me very well.

    During those times na hindi ko na kaklase yung dalawa, medyo nagiging rocky na yung friendship namin ni Miel, tapos yung kay Ann, mas close sila ni Van during those times. Laging nagpapa-help si Ann sa Acads, nangangapitbahay sa room namin, mga bagay na ganon. 

    Grade 9 happened and Ann was transferred to first section. Doon na nagsimulang magkaroon ng bond between sa amin ni Ann. Kami na ang duo nung time na yon. However, dahil sa closeness namin ni Ann, there was like a conflict but I won't discuss it further here.

    While si Miel, kahit hindi ko na naging kaklase, hindi pa rin nawawala yung friendship, siya yung lagi-lagi kong kasama nung uwian, kapag naglalakad from LaCo to paradahan. 

So this is exactly where it all begins, kung paano nga ba talaga nabuo ang wonder pets kong minamahal...

    Nung una, our group chat started because we have to create a commercial sa Economics subject namin nung grade 9. Kami palang tatlo ni Ann and Van non. Ang context nung commercial na yun ay we have to create a unique way of advertising "suka".

    We eventually came up with the bright idea and goods naman yung naging outcome non na medyo funny kung mapapanood ko ngayon kasi it's all cringey but I swear, matino naman HAHAHAHAH. 

    Anyway, going back, yung timeline na 'yon is nangyari during February 2020, which is we all know naman what happened next, Pandemic Era March 2020, dun na nagsimula lahat. I vividly remember, I told Van and Ann, I think we should add Miel here in this gc tapos go naman yung dalawa. Our "Sukakaiba" gc has turned into something wholesome. One night, nagkaroon kami ng talk na kung saan we should change the gc tapos si Van pinalitan ba naman "GC PARA KAY MAMI ANN" tapos may epic photo ni Ann. Until naging "Wonder Pets" yung name. The exact reason why wonder pets is because during that time, naghahanap kami ng exact cartoon characters na 4 yung main characters. Eh there was this one episode sa Wonder Pets na kung saan may rabbit kaya . But originally, it was just 🐣 🐹 🐢. Up to this day, wonders na ang tawag namin sa circle namin.

    But of course may mga time na nagkaroon din kami ng mga hindi pagkakaintindihan, maraming ghosting phase na nangyari sa gc na yon, nagkaroon din ng isang taong katahimikan because of a conflict. Nung nangyari yung conflict na yon, syempre sobrang important sakin nung friendship namin kaya masyado akong naapektuhan. 

    During my shs days, they we're my support system kahit saan. They supported me on everything. Sa kanila ko binubuhos lahat. Kaya nung nangyari nga yung conflict, para akong pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa, it feels like my world has shattered into pieces. They were my home, and still are. They are my comfort.

    Looking back, I feel like I'm so blessed to have them as my friends. Long story short, nagkaayos din lahat-lahat, and that's when I realized, time heals everything. 

    We definitely experienced a lot of things, we watched each other grow up, changed, and move forward on our lives. Haaay, as long as you guys are happy, masaya na rin ako. I'm thankful and blessed to meet someone like you, my wonders.<3

Publishing this at exactly 11:11, more years and memories to come!

To Become All I Want To Be

We should not dwell on the past and we should not worry about the future.

    The blog for today is about the career path that I'm taking. Hi future Nissy! this is your past self, currently taking BS Information Technology. I just finished 1st year of college, at pinalad maging isang dean's lister. Summer break namin ngayong mga panahong ito. I told myself mag-aaral ako, mag-aadvanced study for 2nd year para di gaanong mabigla, but here I am now, watching Young Sheldon, season 3, episode 16. Hmm, the reason why I'm writing today here on my blog, habang nanonood ako, a thought suddenly occured in my mind, things would have be different if I chose to pursue my dream course instead of the one that I'm taking.

    Hayyy dentistry, ever since I was young, interested na talaga ako. I have this specific memory dati na ako mismo yung bumubunot ng mga ngipin ko. I don't exactly know kung bakit yun yung dream ko dati na kunin na course, but during the application period, na kung saan kailangan na naming mag-apply sa mga universities, I have no choice but to choose the nearest university in our area. Na-accept ako sa BSU Malvar and the rest is history.

     Naalala ko dati nung shs, nag-apply ako for DOST tapos sabi ko Lord, kapag nakapasa ako dito pwedeng-pwede na ako mag dentistry! Eh si past Nissy nagpaka happy-go-lucky hindi nag-review, hindi tuloy pumasa. 

    Hmmm, I know I missed that opportunity, pero wala nang magagawa pa yung mga regrets ko. The best thing I can do right now is do my best on this field that I'm currently taking. Daming kong doubts sa sarili ko future nissy, kakayanin kaya natin ito?

Balitaan mo nalang ako ha? :)

Let Go and Let God

Have the courage to let go of what is not right for you :)

    Hmm, tungkol saan naman kaya ang blog entry ko today? Actually kaya ako napapasulat ngayon kasi may nangyari lately na naging dahilan kung bakit parang nagkaroon na ng peace yung isip at puso ko. I was able to talk to Ms. T.G.M., and she made things clear to me, though I never really expected it to happen, but I'm glad that she did it anyway. After all, that small talk that happened between us, parang nagkaroon na ng clarity sa'kin lahat-lahat. Nawala na lahat ng confusion na matagal kong tinatago sa sarili ko. Hindi na na-trigger yung emotions ko. But even if mangyari man na magkaroon man at umabot sa point na yun, I'll wish them nothing but the best.

    The closure na matagal ko nang hinahanap, I'm glad siya yung nagbigay sa'kin non. Sa tinagal-tagal ng moving on phase ko, being able to talk to her was my final step. Acceptance stage na talaga.

    Sa title ng blog ko na ito, let go and let God, pinapaubaya ko nalang talaga yung lahat-lahat sa diyos. All I want right now is to heal completely, at para naman kay nwvm, I hope he's doing better, I always pray na mag-heal na siya from those things he don't talk about. 

    Alam mo ba Lord, 'di ba I told you dati, kapag nakita ko si nwvm for the 4th time, destiny talaga kami hahahahaha oh my God. Nissy desisyon ka ba TwT, alam kong may other plan ka Lord sa aming dalawa and it's up to you now, hindi ko na ku-kuwestiyonin pa.

Yung 1st time, August 14. 2nd time, September 20. 3rd time, October 10. Surprisingly, I saw him last May 29, ang weird lang kasi nagka-hunch ako na makikita ko siya that morning, and I saw him, wearing his blue shirt at exactly 6:21 a.m. Wow ha Nissy, detailed na detailed. Anyway, why am I telling these things here in my blog?

    Hmmm, during that moment I saw him, nag-replay sa utak ko yung There is something about you that now I can't remember, it's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender. But it's all just a mere coincidence. No meaning at all, 'di ba Lord?

    Kapag mga ganitong pagkakataon talaga na puro tungkol kay nwvm yung thoughts ko, I don't have anyone to talk to, kay Lord ko nalang nilalabas, my friends probably thought I've already moved on completely (yun yung nasabi ko sa kanila), but the truth here is, I still do love nwvm. But my last act of love for him was to accept that it was all over. To let go and to move forward because we both deserve peace and happiness. I don't have any hatred for him at all, just genuine love, Nick will always have a special place in my heart.

He was my favorite person, that turned into lesson. I don't know why I'm typing all of these right now, knowing that he won't be able to read it all. Even after 10 months of no contact, my feelings for him didn't changed at all nor faded. But as I realize, it won't do him any good, kahit ako. I'm still affected, God knows how much I tried to not cry over him, to get over from him, to be happy without him. 

How crazy na he changed my perspective in love during those months, being in a situationship is like a rollercoaster of emotions. Too many uncertainties, but I still chose to risk it all, knowing that it will hurt me so much. My happy crush during shs has turned into love. Hoping that someday, I will tell myself na okay na ako, that I'm not holding on to those memories anymore. I'm always praying for you, my nikiboi, I hope both of us will heal and will be happy. Please always protect your mental health. Paulit-ulit na heal heal heal kasi super need.

    Sa dami ng napagdaanan ko in terms of loving nwvm, hindi ko maikakaila na I learned a lot of lesson. Isa na ron ay yung kinaya ko siyang i-let go, because that is how much I love him. I chose to understand him, pinili kong piliin siya araw-araw, 18 years old nissy was full of love, and it's because she met this guy. Let's just say na I'm typing this all to my blog kasi even if nagdulot sa'kin ng matinding heartbreak yung kung ano mang nangyari saming dalawa, there's an underlying fact na he made me the happiest nung mga panahong hindi pa natatapos lahat. He was the reason why SHS nissy was super motivated everyday.

    Confusing part here is kung mababasa niyo man ang aking last blog, that girl that I was talking about, paano nangyari yun? Hindi ko na alam talaga oh my goodness.

    At dahil punong-puno na ng confusion ang naidudulot sa'kin ng love love na yan, I conlude that love can be detrimental for me, kasi I can't control what I feel, I tend to overlove, which can be too overwhelming. I hope and pray na dumating yung time na yung love na binibigay ko sa iba, sa sarili ko nalang pinupuna. 

Lord, kayo na pong bahala sa puso ko ha?

:)

The Untold Story of Miss Nissy

A confession I had to make,

Ever since I was grade 7, I felt like may something talaga na kakaiba sa'kin. Hindi ko lang masyadong pinansin, kasi during that time, masyado pa akong naive, I thought it was just a phase, a simple attraction na nagagandahan ako sa girls. 

But everything made sense to me when I met this girl during 1st year of college. I know in myself that I'm not yet fully healed to my past situationship, but that girl was the reason kung bakit ko na-realize sa sarili kong hindi pala talaga ako straight. I was so confused to that point of my life kasi iba talaga yung nafe-feel ko sakanya. Ang weird lang na nasa healing stage ako, pero nagkaroon ako ng interest or siguro happy crush, at sa isang babae pa.

Hindi ko alam kung anong nakita ko sakanya, ayaw kong maging komplikado, siguro masyado lang vulnerable yung puso ko during that time kaya ako nagkagusto, pero the fact that I liked her sa halip na sa lalaki, I can't deny that. However, just like what I expected, things didn't turned out really well. Hindi ko na gugustuhin pang ma-associate pa with that girl kasi honestly, she is a whole red carpet.

Despite the fact na ganon nga yung nangyari, hindi ko pa rin maikakaila na she was the reason kung bakit ko mas nakilala yung sarili ko. Siya yung naging dahilan kung paano ko nakayanan mag-come out in front of many people. Nung time na gusto ko siya, she was the main reason kung paano ako nagkaroon ng courage para maging proud sa kung ano nga ba talaga ako.

Hindi talaga ako nagtatanim ng kahit anong hatred, and thankful ako that I met her because I was at my happiest during those times that I like her. 

Hmmm, now that I am fully accepting who I am, I learned that things that happened on my past lead me to where I am right now. 

:)

New Month, New Era of my Life

First day of June starts now!

    Today is June 1, SATURDAY. Currently listening on some random OPM classic songs. Hmmm, what should I write? Tungkol saan kaya pwede? Ang nangyayari sa buhay ngayon ni present Nissy ay I'm currently fond of Cinamorolls, they're so so cuties. Tapos I'm a big fan of Cup Of Joe, I love them with all of my life, kailan ko kaya sila makikita? :( Tapos nagagandahan ako sa mga kanta ng BINI, also sa mga member, lalo kay Maloi, tapos medyo biaswrecker ko si Stacey, so so pretty girlies huhu.

    Ano pa ba? Alam mo ba Nissy, meron kasi ako ditong journal, mas gusto kong journal yung tawag ko sa diary kasi parang ang childish pakinggan nung diary hehe. So ayun, sa journal ko na 'yun, nasaksihan non lahat ng mga pangyayari sa buhay 1st Year ko since October. During that one random night, naisipan kong magawa at magsulat ng diary. I never thought aabot pa rin ngayon yung pagsusulat ko.

    Ang tingin ko lagi sa sarili ko, puro Acads lang yung inaatupag, kasi wala naman talaga akong hobby o pinagkakaabalahan sa buhay. I don't have anything to do on my leisure time, manood ng movies and k-drama siguro but I am currently developing this habit of mine, umiikli na ang aking attention span. Hindi ako makatapos ng movie or series nang hindi naka 2x speed. Hindi ko na rin masyadong nae-enjoy, I'm just watching for the sake of not getting bored.

    However, the problem here is during watching, I am always thinking of other things like gusto ko maging productive, hindi ko rin maiwasang isipin na kailangan ko na mag-aral for preparation on my 2nd Year, ang ending, hindi ko na talaga na-e-enjoy yung panonood. Paano ko ba mae-e-enjoy itong pahinga ko na ito kung ganito lagi yung nangyayari?

    Pakinig-kinig lang ako ng music ngayong midnight habang nagsusulat ng random things sa blog kong ito. My mind is too chaotic, this blog helps my mind to feel at ease, haaay thankful that I discovered it during quarantine era.

    Dahil wala na akong ma-kuwento, balik tayo sa topic ng blog kong ito which is the title itself. New Month, June. Gusto ko na ng bagong era ng buhay ko. Gusto ko nang makawala sa nakaraan ko. Alam mo ba Nissy, gabi-gabi pa rin talaga akong hina-haunt nung mga past mistakes, which is yung mga wrong decisions ko, na naging reason kung bakit ako nagsu-suffer these past months. I want to forgive mself completely. 

    Ang dami kong bagay na ginawa na kung mababalik ko lang ung time, I'll choose not to do it, para hindi ako mag-suffer, pero nangyari na ang nangyari, at wala na akong magagawa kundi tanggapin lahat-lahat. I think I'm sleepy na, but sige sulat lang nang sulat dito hanggang sa pumikit na completely ang aking eyes.

    Suddenly ko lang itong naalala, parang gusto ko tuloy i-kuwento yung mga red flag na napansin ko sa sarili ko. Firstly, yung pagiging masyadong overthinker ko, to the point na yung tiwala ko sa mga taong nakapaligid sa'kin, pinagdududahan ko. Second, I hate to admit it but I get too jealous easily, maybe because I am still immature and because of the traumatic past I had with a guy. I was cheated before, though it's all just a mu thingy, cheating will always be considered cheating. Ano pa bang red flag ko? Siguro masyado akong affected to the point na nang-blo-block ako? Red flag ba yun? Ano pa ba? HAHAHAHAH red flag din yung I become way too obsessed sa isang tao. Red flag din yung pagiging mababaw ko.

    AT DAHIL DIYAN, gusto kong baguhin yung mga mali sa'kin, kasi hindi ko gugustuhing mag-suffer in the future because of my own bad habits. 

    Bilang pagtatapos, sa kabila ng lahat ng napagdaanan ko in the past, I think the lover girl within me won't die. But for now, I know in myself that I need to grow as a person, and I have to focus first on my studies and goals in life. I'll trust in God's most perfect timing. At the end of the day, we have different paces in life, at siguro nasa point ako ng buhay ko na kung saan, self love is what I need the most.

    :)